Stigma

Ugh, what the hell is up with the Stigma that surrounds mental health? I just don't understand it.  It keeps so many people from getting help, people are embarrassed and feel like they are faulty or to blame for their condition. I mean, when someone gets diabetes you don't hear people whispering behind their backs "you know, Jenny's not the same anymore, I don't know why the hell she can't just control her pancreas, what is her deal!", but because the disease originates in the brains somehow people think we somehow have control over it. Like one day we decided that sitting at home crying in the shower until we were shivering from the hot water running out a half hour ago sounded like a much better life than say, going hiking. We decided that being afraid every time got into a vehicle that we were going to die unless we prayed not to die was a much better use of our time than having a conversation with the people in the car.

Yup, that's it, that is how it went. I was tired of this fulfilling life and I went home and told my brain, that's it! You've let me down for the LAST time, now STOP making enough Serotonin, while your at it can you tone down the Dopamine and ...hmmm....maybe destroy a couple pathways while you are at it.

Truth be told, I've never had a fulfilling life, I've always been plagued by depression and anxiety. I can remember laying in bed as a child estimating how many years I would have left to spend with all of the important people in my life before they died. By age 21 I had already attempted suicide, I didn't want to die but I wanted the pain to stop and that was the only way I could think of to make it stop.

You know why there is a stigma? Because it scares people. Because if it isn't a choice, if this is a disease that "happens" to people, then it could happen to them or someone that they love.

When my neighbors found out what I was in the psych hospital they looked at each other and said "that's sad", sure, the events that led up to me being there was sad but that's not what they meant. They meant it was sad that I "cracked". These neighbors found out via my 11 year old who plays with their kid, I told my daughter, going to that hospital was anything but sad, going to that hospital was brave and it was responsible. If you are sick you go to the doctor to get better, if its your bones you go to a orthopedic doctor, if its your heart you go to a cardiologist, this is no different. I find it sad that they think taking care of ones self is sad.

If you have a mental illness. Its NOT your fault, it is NOT something to be embarrassed about it, it is a condition that you have, it is NOT who you are. You are NOT weak, you are NOT faulty,  you are a person with an illness, that's it. You need to hold your head high and take care of yourself. I remember not wanting to take my meds because I felt like being reliant on medication meant I was weak....I look back now and I think "what a freaking idiot". Lets use diabetes as an example again, if I need insulin for life because I am a diabetic does that mean I am weak? NO, it means my pancreas doesn't work and I am giving my body what it needs to perform correctly. No different with mental health, something isn't working right, whether it be pathways have broken down or chemical imbalances or whatnot , your meds simply give your body what it needs to regain balance. Take your meds, take them regularly and do NOT STOP TAKING THEM once you start feeling good. So many people start feeling good and then they think hey, I feel good, I don't need these meds and they stop taking them.....not only do some of them deal with some crappy withdrawal but also you crash pretty darn quick.

There is so much more to say but there will be other posts for that.

For now know this, you are loved, you are worth more than your darkness tells you that you are, you are strong, you have survived everything you have ever faced, emotions-ALL emotions are temporary, the hurt will stop and you will smile again. Don't stop trying, never stop trying to get help, investing in yourself is the most important thing you possibly can do. You are NOT alone.

Inpatient

So, I was gone for awhile. Christmas was a really, really tough time for me. I tried to reach out for help from some family members a week prior because I had been over doing it, extending myself beyond healthy limits to help my mom, but I got no response. On Christmas I needed help lifting her , obviously I can't anymore but when I stood up for myself and set boundaries tantrums were thrown and basically I am estranged now from a good chunk of my family, which is honestly okay. My family , most of them, are quite toxic, they don't get together to resolve things, they get together to see who can hurt the other the worst with their words. I didn't have much to do with them before my moms illness and I won't have much to do with them after. I was accused of being selfish, cowardly and told I should be ashamed of myself....that threw me over the edge. I knew that there was no truth in their words but it still threw me over the edge.

For weeks I have been struggling, I've had Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety for most of my life and I am vigilant about seeing a counselor and someone to monitor my meds. Due to a shortage in Psychiatrists I have a psychiatric nurse practitioner. I had seen her to tell her I was struggling, she didn't think a med change would help since it was more situational but she did bump one med up slightly. But I kept getting worse, angry outbursts, hysterical crying jags etc, and I didn't know what to do because I thought it was just normal grieving but on a huge scale seeing as I lost many people this year, my mom is dying and I have my own illnesses. So I didn't get help because my nurse practitioner had told me that a med increase wouldn't help. I began to think about suicide, I knew I would never do it because I would never leave this world willingly and leave my daughter without her mother...but that night, I felt really unsafe, I worried that I would have a moment where I did something impulsive , not thinking about my daughter, something I wouldn't be able to take back. So I got help.

There is a wonderful privately owned Psychiatric Facility near where I live, it isn't a hospital setting, its more like a little campus of cabins, you wear your own clothes, have a team of doctors and counselors. It's a mix of adjusting meds, changing meds if needed and going to classes such as Interpersonal Effectiveness, Understanding Your Illness, Codependency/Setting Boundaries etc and holistic things such as aromatherapy, meditation, mindfulness etc. They did increase my meds which did help me deal with things, I learned that I was on the lowest therapeutic dose of my  most important med...time to find a new practitioner!  But more important I learned a lot about myself.  When they signed me up for the Codependency class I had no idea why, I always thought Codependent meant you needed people or a certain person around all of the time or relied on them in an unhealthy way. When I went to the class and they went over it I was like WHOAH! I'm a class Codependent Caretaker. I'm little miss fix it and a mother hen....I always thought that was a good thing but I have done it at the expense of myself and I've done for others what they could have done for themselves.....

I could keep going on but this post is already too long.

Bottom line-if you need help get help! Its nothing to be ashamed about! Yes, there is a stigma still out there but screw them, you need to live your best life. If you are physically sick you go to the hospital or a doctor, if you are critically ill you get checked in to the hospital. Well our brains are just like any other body part....well more important lol, it gets sick too, its nothing we caused, it isn't cause we are weak, its just chemistry and genetics. If you need help, go get the help you need and be proud of yourself because knowing when to ask for help is brave.