It's a rough night for me tonight. My husband and daughter are downstairs watching a movie which is a good thing, I very much need alone time. I am on my couch with a blanket over me, sitting in front of the Christmas tree crying. While these tears aren't happy ones, they ARE good. Tears free up your soul a bit for whatever else is to come. I tell my daughter its like a cup sitting under a constantly leaky faucet, eventually you have to get rid of some of the water in the cup or its going to overflow. The heart and spirit are like that as well, you have to relieve some of the pressure or it will relieve itself and probably at a time and place and in a way that you don't want them to. May come out as anger, or regular crying just not when you want, you may shut down emotionally and mentally, or you may get sick either acutely or chronically. One way or another, the pain will find a way out so better to have the control over it. So many of us try to repress pain, seriously, who wants to feel badly? No one, but thats how many people end up addicts, thats how my husband relapsed. That is how people have nervous break downs. You can't push it back , you just can't. The only way out of the pain is through the pain and it takes as long as it takes. You can't see the rainbow until you've gotten through the rain.
My motto lately has been "the only way out is through" and I have to hang on to that. I don't know HOW I will be okay, I have no freaking idea in the world how I will be okay. But I KNOW that I will and right now that's all that I need to know, I don't need to know how, I just have to know that I will. I look at my dad and my step mom, both have lost both parents, in fact my step mom lost both of her parents within weeks of each other.....and it devastated them BUT, they smiled again, they laughed again, their life went on and they found a new normal. I will too. I will never ever be the same for what I have gone through this year and what next year will bring but that's okay, I don't want to go back to being who I was before this because after going through this I will have more strength and more compassion and more appreciation for life. I wish I never had to go through this but if I have to then I'm taking some lessons with me to help some other people.
Today I was down with my mom, once I had her settled, I went into her room and started wrapping the last Christmas presents that she will ever buy, and as I curled the ribbons I cried because I was missing my Gram, she was the one that taught me how to curl the ribbons, and I thought about Uncle Joe and his upcoming memorial and my cousins and how hard things must be for them right now..
So yeah, it was a really hard day and I am letting the memories slide down my cheeks tonight without bothering to wipe them away. When I'm done,I will feel better and I will have the strength to keep going....
Friday, December 23, 2016
Thursday, December 22, 2016
Long time, no write
I know, I know, it's been 5 months since I've written. I got into a bad funk and it's not just from what's going on with my mom although that is enough. Since 2016 began here is a list of all of the things that have happened (negative things), I would list the positives but honestly there haven't been many.
My Cousins son was diagnosed with Cancer
My Uncle was diagnosed with Cancer
My dad was supposed to have surgery for his back, he has bad spinal stenosis, but then he ended up
with a blood clot so the surgery had to be put off for six months, in that time he developed
cellulitis, they found another blood clot, he lost the use of his right leg which made him fall and he
ended up breaking a bone in his back. They found he had skin cancer, luckily is was basal cell
carcinoma, if you get skin cancer thats the kind you want because it is the least deadly and doesn't
spread too far or too quickly. In August he finally did have his back surgery.
My step mom ended up with the same kind of skin cancer
My Gram started having dizzy spells, fell and broke her arm, turns out that her heart was skipping a
beat so they put a pacemaker in.
On our way home from the ALS Center, my mom and I were sitting at a red light and the guy in the
car behind us must have been texting or something because he hit us going about 40 MPH while
we were at a dead stop, never hit his brakes, hit us so hard that he went up under our car and
ripped out the exhaust system, drove us into two other cars. Our glasses flew off of our faces
upon impact. My moms front license plate was found 20 feet behind her car.....I just had a lot of
muscle spasms, my mom had a bruised sternum and messed up her shoulder.
I started losing my vision and started having horrible headaches , ended up that I have Idiopathic
Intracranial Hypertension so I ended up needing brain surgery to have a VP Shunt placed. When
my husband came to pick me up from the hospital to bring me home the day after my surgery he
had to tell me that my grandmother had died unexpectedly.
Three weeks after my surgery my daughter ended up hospitalized with Pneumonia
My husband, who had been clean for a year ended up relapsing and went back into rehab
My daughter got lice and rather than pass it back and forth I shaved my head, I now look like a Chia Pet.
My dog shredded his ACL and needed a $1,200 surgery
A part broke on my furnace and we were without heat for three days when an arctic cold front came
our way, we could see our breath in our house. That cost us $800 (and was in the same month as
the dog surgery)
My Uncle died last week.
It just never ends and those are the big things, there are tons of small things but because of all of the big things the small things don't feel small anymore. It seems like we are knocked down, get part way to our feet and something happens to push us right back down. Its been overwhelming to say the least.
Anyway, I am trying to stand up again, this is what I wrote in a FaceBook post about everything.
So, as I was grating cheese for our crock pot dinner, I had an epiphany. This year has been HORRIBLE, full of sickness, tragedy and death....thats nothing new...but somehow I went from telling myself that I would get through it to just throwing my hands up in the air. I stopped trying to get back up because each time I did, something new would push me back down. I am first and foremost a mom and I need to teach my daughter that when life pushes you to your knees you get up again, no matter how many times you fall, you get up. Many times you don't think that you can, many times, if we are being honest, you don't want to, but you have to. I have survived every single thing that has ever been thrown my way, as have you all. I will survive this to, I will never be the person who I was but that's okay, I will have holes in my heart that will never be filled but I will be stronger because I go on even with those holes there. This is what my daughter needs to learn from me. Not by me telling her but by me showing her. Does this meant that my emotional outbursts are done? Haha NO. But it does mean that I've regained my focus, my big girl panties are on and I'm getting up off of the floor now.
So I am back, I don't think anyone reads this posts anyway being that I have so few posts up but who knows, maybe someone will someday.
My Cousins son was diagnosed with Cancer
My Uncle was diagnosed with Cancer
My dad was supposed to have surgery for his back, he has bad spinal stenosis, but then he ended up
with a blood clot so the surgery had to be put off for six months, in that time he developed
cellulitis, they found another blood clot, he lost the use of his right leg which made him fall and he
ended up breaking a bone in his back. They found he had skin cancer, luckily is was basal cell
carcinoma, if you get skin cancer thats the kind you want because it is the least deadly and doesn't
spread too far or too quickly. In August he finally did have his back surgery.
My step mom ended up with the same kind of skin cancer
My Gram started having dizzy spells, fell and broke her arm, turns out that her heart was skipping a
beat so they put a pacemaker in.
On our way home from the ALS Center, my mom and I were sitting at a red light and the guy in the
car behind us must have been texting or something because he hit us going about 40 MPH while
we were at a dead stop, never hit his brakes, hit us so hard that he went up under our car and
ripped out the exhaust system, drove us into two other cars. Our glasses flew off of our faces
upon impact. My moms front license plate was found 20 feet behind her car.....I just had a lot of
muscle spasms, my mom had a bruised sternum and messed up her shoulder.
I started losing my vision and started having horrible headaches , ended up that I have Idiopathic
Intracranial Hypertension so I ended up needing brain surgery to have a VP Shunt placed. When
my husband came to pick me up from the hospital to bring me home the day after my surgery he
had to tell me that my grandmother had died unexpectedly.
Three weeks after my surgery my daughter ended up hospitalized with Pneumonia
My husband, who had been clean for a year ended up relapsing and went back into rehab
My daughter got lice and rather than pass it back and forth I shaved my head, I now look like a Chia Pet.
My dog shredded his ACL and needed a $1,200 surgery
A part broke on my furnace and we were without heat for three days when an arctic cold front came
our way, we could see our breath in our house. That cost us $800 (and was in the same month as
the dog surgery)
My Uncle died last week.
It just never ends and those are the big things, there are tons of small things but because of all of the big things the small things don't feel small anymore. It seems like we are knocked down, get part way to our feet and something happens to push us right back down. Its been overwhelming to say the least.
Anyway, I am trying to stand up again, this is what I wrote in a FaceBook post about everything.
So, as I was grating cheese for our crock pot dinner, I had an epiphany. This year has been HORRIBLE, full of sickness, tragedy and death....thats nothing new...but somehow I went from telling myself that I would get through it to just throwing my hands up in the air. I stopped trying to get back up because each time I did, something new would push me back down. I am first and foremost a mom and I need to teach my daughter that when life pushes you to your knees you get up again, no matter how many times you fall, you get up. Many times you don't think that you can, many times, if we are being honest, you don't want to, but you have to. I have survived every single thing that has ever been thrown my way, as have you all. I will survive this to, I will never be the person who I was but that's okay, I will have holes in my heart that will never be filled but I will be stronger because I go on even with those holes there. This is what my daughter needs to learn from me. Not by me telling her but by me showing her. Does this meant that my emotional outbursts are done? Haha NO. But it does mean that I've regained my focus, my big girl panties are on and I'm getting up off of the floor now.
So I am back, I don't think anyone reads this posts anyway being that I have so few posts up but who knows, maybe someone will someday.
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Introversion
I am a born introvert but I spent much of my life feeling inferior....while gaggles of little girls with pig tails giggled as little boys chased after them on the playground I was the one on the swings pretending I was the goddess of wind lol. In Jr High when kids were gossiping at the lunch tables I was in the office helping the office ladies with their work, when it was time for the school play rather than try out for a role I was quite happy to wear all black and disappear into the darkness back stage as a stage hand. The trend continued into high school and college...I was not only introverted I was also shy, you see they are two very different things although the outside world lumps the two together. People who are shy tend to stay away from others because of fear of judgement, they worry what others will think. Introverts just enjoy less stimulation and their own company or the company of one or two close friends.
I spent my adolescent years watching the extroverts and wishing I could be like them, those popular girls whose hair seemed to move in perfect slow motion when they tossed their heads back laughing at whatever the hot football player said. They were invited to all the parties, always had dates and even were chummy with the teachers. I thought something was wrong with me and that wasn't just my own doing, the world tends to celebrate extroverts while introverts are looked at as a bit, antisocial and perhaps even stuck up. You see shows like "Friends", "Glee", "Cheers", "Vampire Diaries" lol etc where people are having the time of their lives in groups and crowds....its very rare that you find a show that stars introverts, there is "The Big Bang Theory" which I do happen to love but even that carries that introvert stereo type, nerdy and odd .
It's funny because my husband is a total extrovert, he can talk to ANYONE, seriously, he can and actually WANTS to strike up a conversation. He loves parties and is energized by other people, he loves to play his xbox and talk to his friends on it and is just a complete people person. I on the other hand, will do just about anything to get out of going to a party and if I have to go I pray that they have a dog so I can spend the hours cuddling it rather than mingling.I hate small talk, I hate talking on the phone even to friends and relatives, I really do have to work myself up before I make a phone call. I've been known to crave pizza really badly but not order it because I didn't want to interact with the delivery person and if the mail carrier drives up I wait until he has put the mail in the box and driven away so I don't have to talk. It sounds bitchy, I know, but it is not driven by my inner bitch I swear. I would be perfectly happy to live in a remote cabin in Alaska as long as I had internet. I have one in person friend and the rest of my friends are online and I've never met them.
I've finally embraced my introversion, rather than trying to be something I'm not I have embraced who I am and now relish my introversion. I spend hours reading, painting and watching old movies. I enjoy silence and a dimly lit room, it soothes me and feels like a giant hug.
For those of you who aren't introverts I ask you to read this article that explains introverts better than I ever could. My husband read it and finally understands me, finally understands why after a party or dinner with my family I need to come home and just be left alone for awhile.
If you are an introvert EMBRACE it, if you are an extrovert embrace that too! Embrace who you are.
I spent my adolescent years watching the extroverts and wishing I could be like them, those popular girls whose hair seemed to move in perfect slow motion when they tossed their heads back laughing at whatever the hot football player said. They were invited to all the parties, always had dates and even were chummy with the teachers. I thought something was wrong with me and that wasn't just my own doing, the world tends to celebrate extroverts while introverts are looked at as a bit, antisocial and perhaps even stuck up. You see shows like "Friends", "Glee", "Cheers", "Vampire Diaries" lol etc where people are having the time of their lives in groups and crowds....its very rare that you find a show that stars introverts, there is "The Big Bang Theory" which I do happen to love but even that carries that introvert stereo type, nerdy and odd .
It's funny because my husband is a total extrovert, he can talk to ANYONE, seriously, he can and actually WANTS to strike up a conversation. He loves parties and is energized by other people, he loves to play his xbox and talk to his friends on it and is just a complete people person. I on the other hand, will do just about anything to get out of going to a party and if I have to go I pray that they have a dog so I can spend the hours cuddling it rather than mingling.I hate small talk, I hate talking on the phone even to friends and relatives, I really do have to work myself up before I make a phone call. I've been known to crave pizza really badly but not order it because I didn't want to interact with the delivery person and if the mail carrier drives up I wait until he has put the mail in the box and driven away so I don't have to talk. It sounds bitchy, I know, but it is not driven by my inner bitch I swear. I would be perfectly happy to live in a remote cabin in Alaska as long as I had internet. I have one in person friend and the rest of my friends are online and I've never met them.
I've finally embraced my introversion, rather than trying to be something I'm not I have embraced who I am and now relish my introversion. I spend hours reading, painting and watching old movies. I enjoy silence and a dimly lit room, it soothes me and feels like a giant hug.
For those of you who aren't introverts I ask you to read this article that explains introverts better than I ever could. My husband read it and finally understands me, finally understands why after a party or dinner with my family I need to come home and just be left alone for awhile.
If you are an introvert EMBRACE it, if you are an extrovert embrace that too! Embrace who you are.
Monday, July 11, 2016
Being Grateful
Its been nearly three months since her diagnosis and everyone that she wants to tell has been told and those who haven't been told don't know me so they wouldn't figure it out from my blog so now I can tell you all. It's my mom who is dying, she has ALS and its been rapid in its progression, the average life expectancy after diagnosis is 2-5 year but I will be surprised if she makes it even 1 year. This is by far the most gut wrenching, devastating thing I have ever gone through in my life, its hard to keep my head above water sometimes, its hard to not give in to the despair that threatens to overtake me on a daily basis. But I can't, I know I can't. My mom needs me and my daughter needs me. I cry when I need to which is usually once a week now versus every day but I try to stay grounded and take care of myself. One of the biggest things I do is to try to find things to be grateful for, some days I am deep and complex, thankful that my mom and I have this time together, thankful that my mom and daughter got to get so close....other days finding things to be grateful for is a huge chore because everything looks so dark, on those days I am grateful that I got through the day, I am grateful for anti depressants lol. But if you can find something to be grateful for , even in the darkest moments, then imagine the joy and gratefulness you will find in your brightest days.
I think about my moms impending death a lot, anticipatory grief is what they call it, some people don't go through it but its not surprising that I do, I'm a planner lol, its how my mind helps me handle what is to come. I'm not one that tends to dwell on the day a person died and get sad on that day every year but there is one time of the year I KNOW I will have a hard time with. That day is my birthday or a day or two before or after, every year during my birthday week my mom and I would take a whole day and go shopping and go out to lunch. This year it won't happen, it won't ever happen again. Even if my mom is still living she can't handle a day out anymore. So I've decided that during the week of my birthday I will engage in random acts of kindness. I will take the joy that would have been spent with my mom and spread it to other people to honor her and our relationship.
Please, no matter your circumstance, try to find something to be grateful for every day. Sometimes it will seem nearly impossible and what you settle on may seem silly....being grateful for indoor plumbing lol but you are forcing your brain to find the good despite that bad and that is never a bad thing.
I think about my moms impending death a lot, anticipatory grief is what they call it, some people don't go through it but its not surprising that I do, I'm a planner lol, its how my mind helps me handle what is to come. I'm not one that tends to dwell on the day a person died and get sad on that day every year but there is one time of the year I KNOW I will have a hard time with. That day is my birthday or a day or two before or after, every year during my birthday week my mom and I would take a whole day and go shopping and go out to lunch. This year it won't happen, it won't ever happen again. Even if my mom is still living she can't handle a day out anymore. So I've decided that during the week of my birthday I will engage in random acts of kindness. I will take the joy that would have been spent with my mom and spread it to other people to honor her and our relationship.
Please, no matter your circumstance, try to find something to be grateful for every day. Sometimes it will seem nearly impossible and what you settle on may seem silly....being grateful for indoor plumbing lol but you are forcing your brain to find the good despite that bad and that is never a bad thing.
Friday, July 1, 2016
Finding the good in the bad
I've had a lot of bad during my life time , a lot of heart ache, a lot of deaths, a lot of loss....people see that as a bad thing and to an extent they are right, it certainly isn't positive , its not fun but its not all bad and negative either. Because of what I have been through in my life I have become the person who I am today, I am strong, I know that I am strong, I don't wonder, I don't think I am, I don't suppose, I KNOW I am. I am extremely compassionate because of the things I've been through and I've turned the things I've been through into opportunities to help other people. Rather than hide the things in the my life that aren't so pretty I have made myself an open book , I am open to questions, I am open to discussion and sharing my experiences so that others who are going through something similar right now can look at me and see that it is possible to come out on the other side. Yes you come out with scars but wear them proudly because scars aren't something to be ashamed of, scars show that you have gone through something tough and you survived, you won. One thing that I have learned is that every "bad" situation I have been through in my life does have a positive, whether its life or death bad or just "this sucks" kind of bad. I think people are afraid to look for the positive especially in life or death bad situations because they think its strange to find something positive in something so terrible. Let me stress that just because you find something positive in a situation doesn't mean that its a positive situation or that you are happy the situation is happening.
Here are some examples of what I mean
My immediate family member has a terminal illness with absolutely no hope of survival. Probably the worst situation I've ever been in in my whole life, the most devastating for sure. But yes there IS a silver lining. Many people never get a chance to say the things they want to say before they lose the one they love. So many times its unexpected. But in this situation we have a chance to say everything we need to, we are able to make the time to spend together, this person is able to make messages for each person to have after he/she is gone. I am also stepping back and looking at my own life, reevaluating how I want to live it. The positives certainly don't outweigh the negatives and I wish there was something I could do to make this situation go away but I can't, so I will learn from it what I can and make the best I can with what I have left with this person.
Having to shop at the "big girl" store. Thanks to prednisone, chronic illness and crappy eating I've gained A LOT of weight, I'm a size 18 now so off to Lane Bryant I go.....but there is a good side to it, Lane Bryant carries sizes a lot bigger than mine so usually I'm the skinniest girl in the joint and feel like a freaking super model lol.
On eating nearly the whole thing of ice cream last night....ugh...I could have gotten down on myself about how I will never lose weight if I keep it up, how I have no will power and blah blah blah but I didn't.....I said well at least I didn't eat it all, almost all but not all of it, a couple weeks ago there wouldn't have been any left....and then I got on with my day.
Its not easy to look at the positives, not easy at all but the more we do look at the positives the more we are training ourselves to automatically look at the positives.
Here are some examples of what I mean
My immediate family member has a terminal illness with absolutely no hope of survival. Probably the worst situation I've ever been in in my whole life, the most devastating for sure. But yes there IS a silver lining. Many people never get a chance to say the things they want to say before they lose the one they love. So many times its unexpected. But in this situation we have a chance to say everything we need to, we are able to make the time to spend together, this person is able to make messages for each person to have after he/she is gone. I am also stepping back and looking at my own life, reevaluating how I want to live it. The positives certainly don't outweigh the negatives and I wish there was something I could do to make this situation go away but I can't, so I will learn from it what I can and make the best I can with what I have left with this person.
Having to shop at the "big girl" store. Thanks to prednisone, chronic illness and crappy eating I've gained A LOT of weight, I'm a size 18 now so off to Lane Bryant I go.....but there is a good side to it, Lane Bryant carries sizes a lot bigger than mine so usually I'm the skinniest girl in the joint and feel like a freaking super model lol.
On eating nearly the whole thing of ice cream last night....ugh...I could have gotten down on myself about how I will never lose weight if I keep it up, how I have no will power and blah blah blah but I didn't.....I said well at least I didn't eat it all, almost all but not all of it, a couple weeks ago there wouldn't have been any left....and then I got on with my day.
Its not easy to look at the positives, not easy at all but the more we do look at the positives the more we are training ourselves to automatically look at the positives.
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Insomnia
I've been suffering from insomnia all of my adult years on and off and I just dealt with another bout of it. I was sooooo tired but as soon as I laid down my body was like "KIDDING!" I was still exhausted but I just couldn't sleep, I was getting maybe three hours of broken sleep a night. My doctor whom I will call the Sleep Nazi gave me some advice, it wasn't advice I wanted to hear but I was willing to try it. It wasn't a super quick fix but within a week I was back to sleeping.
1-NO naps- no matter how tired you are NO naps....ugh this one killed me, I don't nap a lot but I have chronic illnesses which make me tired, a sleep condition which makes me tired and when I'm not sleeping at night boy do I really want to nap.
2-Go to bed at the same time every night and wake up at the same time every morning no matter what, no sleeping in even on weekends. ( I have to wonder if she follows her own advice)
3-Sleep 8 hours and thats it....okay so yes she gave me this advice but she is my primary care doc not my specialist and my specialists say that people with my conditions I need more sleep than the average person, 9-10 hours a night.
After researching online here are some things that I added
4- Melatonin- the evidence is sketchy but the side effects are few so I figured it was worth a shot
5-Tea with herbs for sleep, it took me awhile to find a tea that was gluten free AND didn't have an herb that interacted with my medications but I did.
6-A nightly bedtime routine
7-Putting my ipad on night mode to filter out blue light. I'm not about to give up reading on my ipad so I discovered it has a setting to change the light...I am so incompetent when it comes to technology
My nightly routine
At 9:30 I go upstairs, wash my face and then do ten minutes of gentle yoga to calming music...no on my feet crazy yoga, just gentle mat work. Then I drink my tea while I read, once my tea is done I turn off my lights and continue to read. at about 11 I go brush my teeth and take a HOT bath. I've read that you should do this about an hour before bed, not right before but it works for me. Also if I wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep I get back in the hot bath, I don't turn on the light, only have the nightlight in the bathroom.
Like I said, it was instant, it took about a week of being very very exhausted and miserable but it was well worth it!
1-NO naps- no matter how tired you are NO naps....ugh this one killed me, I don't nap a lot but I have chronic illnesses which make me tired, a sleep condition which makes me tired and when I'm not sleeping at night boy do I really want to nap.
2-Go to bed at the same time every night and wake up at the same time every morning no matter what, no sleeping in even on weekends. ( I have to wonder if she follows her own advice)
3-Sleep 8 hours and thats it....okay so yes she gave me this advice but she is my primary care doc not my specialist and my specialists say that people with my conditions I need more sleep than the average person, 9-10 hours a night.
After researching online here are some things that I added
4- Melatonin- the evidence is sketchy but the side effects are few so I figured it was worth a shot
5-Tea with herbs for sleep, it took me awhile to find a tea that was gluten free AND didn't have an herb that interacted with my medications but I did.
6-A nightly bedtime routine
7-Putting my ipad on night mode to filter out blue light. I'm not about to give up reading on my ipad so I discovered it has a setting to change the light...I am so incompetent when it comes to technology
My nightly routine
At 9:30 I go upstairs, wash my face and then do ten minutes of gentle yoga to calming music...no on my feet crazy yoga, just gentle mat work. Then I drink my tea while I read, once my tea is done I turn off my lights and continue to read. at about 11 I go brush my teeth and take a HOT bath. I've read that you should do this about an hour before bed, not right before but it works for me. Also if I wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep I get back in the hot bath, I don't turn on the light, only have the nightlight in the bathroom.
Like I said, it was instant, it took about a week of being very very exhausted and miserable but it was well worth it!
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Quick and Easy Lemon Curd
I am a bit of a Pinterest fanatic, I wouldn't say addict seeing as I can stop whenever I want to, but anyway...I was browsing recipes when a pin for lemon curd caught my eye. Its not something I eat often but the picture just looked so stinkin good! Creamy, delicious.....so naturally I had to make some.
If you've never had lemon curd you are in for a treat, it is thick, creamy, sweet with a very little bit of tartness to it, the best thing about it is that it can be made quickly and with ingredients that you probably already have on hand save for the fresh lemons.
So grab a friend or your tablet and put a show on (because you will be sitting at the stove whisky for 15 minutes) and get to making some delicious lemon curd with a recipe from Nums The Word!
If you've never had lemon curd you are in for a treat, it is thick, creamy, sweet with a very little bit of tartness to it, the best thing about it is that it can be made quickly and with ingredients that you probably already have on hand save for the fresh lemons.
So grab a friend or your tablet and put a show on (because you will be sitting at the stove whisky for 15 minutes) and get to making some delicious lemon curd with a recipe from Nums The Word!
Saturday, June 25, 2016
Adulting....Life...WTF
As a kid did you picture your life when you were an adult....other than thinking about staying up as late as we wanted to I doubt may of us did and yet, I know I didn't, even as a teenager I gave it just fleeting thoughts but now, near forty I'm pretty sure that whenever I did think about it it didn't look like this, it didn't feel like this....I'm pretty sure I thought it would be exciting instead of super repetitive.....Maybe its just me since I can no longer work due to health reasons and neither can my husband, every.single.day. is. the same...seriously they all blend together. Obviously because neither one of us can work we aren't rolling in dough so we aren't going out to dinner, on day trips, or on vacations other than to visit family. I have a feeling though it isn't just me, sure there are those people who make life look super exciting , they are always doing something, hiking, camping, going on vacation etc. But for the most part I think a lot of people really feel like they are on that spinning hamster wheel, trying to get somewhere, no really being sure where but never getting anywhere.
I'm not complaining (okay, maybe I am a little), I know I am blessed, most couples where both are "disabled" I put that in quotes because by definition yes we are but to look at us no one would ever know it because our illnesses aren't visible, anyway, most would be living in a small apartment and barely squeaking by. This is not the case, because my husband's injuries are from combat we do earn an okay living from compensation. Me on the other hand, I can't even get SSDI thanks to a freaking oversight...if I can even call it that. But we are getting by and doing okay, and I even get some work here and there as an artist, I am able to do it from home, its not steady but its nice when the work comes my way. Anyway, I digress.
I think my issue is that I lack purpose now, I had purpose when I worked, when I didn't work and chose to stay home with my daughter I still had purpose, it was to raise her, keep the house nice for my hubby who worked all day and to lead the Family Readiness Group when my husband was in the Army. These days my husband doesn't work, my daughter is pretty self sufficient and I am at a loss. This is where a lot of women go back to work, I did, last year but it became clear very quickly that with all my illness my body couldn't take it and my doctor said "no more!".
I remember in high school, senior year, our teacher had us write out where we would be in five years...back then five years seemed like an eternity, more than enough time to achieve my goals...I remember writing that I would be married to Brian, my high school sweetheart, we would live in New York City (mind you I didn't even know if Brian wanted to live there), I would be working as an advertising executive in Manhattan and we would have a dog named Cleo.....WOW lol, I look back on that now and find it HYSTERICAL! How naive I was!
Here is what really happened between ages 17 and 22, graduated high school, went to college, took a first aid class as a filler, fell in love, took an EMT class not even knowing what an EMT was I just knew it was more medical stuff that I would get to learn. Happy surprise to find out that I would get to work on an ambulance afterwards. Worked as an ER Technician in the hospital while volunteering as a firefighter, volunteering as an EMT and working another part time job and continuing college. In this time my sweetheart and I broke up, ended up moving in with an awful boyfriend, we broke up, I met a sailor, eloped five weeks later without telling anyone other than one friend, not even my parents. Left college when he got orders to a sub base in Connecticut. Worked as an EMT there and then left that job to work security in a hospital because I wanted to be a cop and it was a stepping stone. Got divorced. Started the hiring process to be a cop, passed all of the tests and interviews and then screwed up my knee and had to take myself out of the running.... I did bring home a stray cat and named it Cleo though lol, that is the closest I got to be correct in my five year plan lol. But that part of my life was so exciting professionally, personally it was turbulent but I wouldn't take it back for anything.
Okay, there was really no point to this point, just venting I suppose lol.
I'm not complaining (okay, maybe I am a little), I know I am blessed, most couples where both are "disabled" I put that in quotes because by definition yes we are but to look at us no one would ever know it because our illnesses aren't visible, anyway, most would be living in a small apartment and barely squeaking by. This is not the case, because my husband's injuries are from combat we do earn an okay living from compensation. Me on the other hand, I can't even get SSDI thanks to a freaking oversight...if I can even call it that. But we are getting by and doing okay, and I even get some work here and there as an artist, I am able to do it from home, its not steady but its nice when the work comes my way. Anyway, I digress.
I think my issue is that I lack purpose now, I had purpose when I worked, when I didn't work and chose to stay home with my daughter I still had purpose, it was to raise her, keep the house nice for my hubby who worked all day and to lead the Family Readiness Group when my husband was in the Army. These days my husband doesn't work, my daughter is pretty self sufficient and I am at a loss. This is where a lot of women go back to work, I did, last year but it became clear very quickly that with all my illness my body couldn't take it and my doctor said "no more!".
I remember in high school, senior year, our teacher had us write out where we would be in five years...back then five years seemed like an eternity, more than enough time to achieve my goals...I remember writing that I would be married to Brian, my high school sweetheart, we would live in New York City (mind you I didn't even know if Brian wanted to live there), I would be working as an advertising executive in Manhattan and we would have a dog named Cleo.....WOW lol, I look back on that now and find it HYSTERICAL! How naive I was!
Here is what really happened between ages 17 and 22, graduated high school, went to college, took a first aid class as a filler, fell in love, took an EMT class not even knowing what an EMT was I just knew it was more medical stuff that I would get to learn. Happy surprise to find out that I would get to work on an ambulance afterwards. Worked as an ER Technician in the hospital while volunteering as a firefighter, volunteering as an EMT and working another part time job and continuing college. In this time my sweetheart and I broke up, ended up moving in with an awful boyfriend, we broke up, I met a sailor, eloped five weeks later without telling anyone other than one friend, not even my parents. Left college when he got orders to a sub base in Connecticut. Worked as an EMT there and then left that job to work security in a hospital because I wanted to be a cop and it was a stepping stone. Got divorced. Started the hiring process to be a cop, passed all of the tests and interviews and then screwed up my knee and had to take myself out of the running.... I did bring home a stray cat and named it Cleo though lol, that is the closest I got to be correct in my five year plan lol. But that part of my life was so exciting professionally, personally it was turbulent but I wouldn't take it back for anything.
Okay, there was really no point to this point, just venting I suppose lol.
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Mommy Guilt
I am suffering from mommy guilt BIG TIME today. My daughter is on half days until the end of the school year (which is tomorrow) and she is bored to death. I know that she is 11 now and she can entertain herself but I really feel like I should be doing something with her and yes I SHOULD be doing things with her throughout the day. I just have so little energy, I have numerous health conditions, three of which are autoimmune and zap my energy , I can't function at the pace of a healthy person, when I try I end up laid up for days. On top of that I have several serious illnesses going on in my family, one of my very close family members, I won't say who or what relation as the person is very private, any way that person is terminal. So besides my household chores, my numerous doctors appointments, my husband's appointments (he is a disabled combat veteran) I am running back and forth between family members homes as well and I'm not sleeping well...last night I slept for 2 hours and it was broken sleep. So my brain wants to get up and do all kinds of fun things with my daughter but my body ...ugh...my body just won't so I sit here and feel guilty. Even though I know I have valid reasons and I know that there will be better days than this that I will be up to a lot of things....today I just feel like a crap mom.
Why are we so hard on ourselves? If it were my best friend telling me exactly what I just wrote I would tell her that half a day of being bored isn't going to hurt her child, that it will actually help her kid to learn how to keep herself occupied. I would tell her that she needs to put herself first sometimes because if she doesn't take care of herself then she won't be able to take care of anyone else. But since its me I just beat myself up, and I know a lot of you are guilty of it as well....but one thing I will tell you is if you are beating yourself up then you don't have to worry about if you are a bad mom....a bad mom wouldn't give a thought to if she were being a bad mom or a good mom.....
Why are we so hard on ourselves? If it were my best friend telling me exactly what I just wrote I would tell her that half a day of being bored isn't going to hurt her child, that it will actually help her kid to learn how to keep herself occupied. I would tell her that she needs to put herself first sometimes because if she doesn't take care of herself then she won't be able to take care of anyone else. But since its me I just beat myself up, and I know a lot of you are guilty of it as well....but one thing I will tell you is if you are beating yourself up then you don't have to worry about if you are a bad mom....a bad mom wouldn't give a thought to if she were being a bad mom or a good mom.....
Getting Real
I love blogs as much as the next girl but so many times in the past I have felt like I was failing adulting hardcore because all of these lovely blog ladies seemed to have their shiiii.......ahem, stuff together, gorgeously decorated house, slim figures, restaurant worthy meals with veggies at every dinner (which we are to assume their children ate with glee before asking for a second helping of Brussels Sprouts). Social media can be great things can come from it but usually it is used to show off someones ideal life rather than showing each other that we too are still in yoga pants at 4 in the afternoon, the dog played with a snake in the backyard and the snake played back so there was an emergency run to the vet, the kid had a temper tantrum resulting in all her earthly possessions being thrown down the stairs while she screams "I QUIT THIS ROOM!!!" and a bird pooped on you as you walked out of the door dragging a toddler who refuses to walk only to realize that she refuses to walk because its winter and you, in your stressed out mom daze forgot to put shoes on her....yes, these are all true stories...stay tune, I have more.
I believe in being real, we can shame each other into feeling like we aren't good enough to make ourselves feel better which in reality doesn't change our situation at all or we can get real, realize that we are all in the same boat and laugh together which still doesn't change ours situation but it makes us much less of an asshole. Yes I make some restaurant worthy meals, I love to cook but trust me, it isn't every night, some days are just crappy days and we have breakfast for dinner which my husband and child think is quite fun or we have a pick night which they also love because it means they get to eat whatever they want as long as I don't have to make it....everyone is happy. I'm not slim anymore thanks to many chronic illnesses, I'm not happy not to be slim but I'm not going to photoshop myself to make people who will never meet me in real life think I'm a smoking hot mom....I do believe in good lighting, good angles and if I'm going to a fancy event (ha, like that has happened since 2013) , a good pair of Spanx! My house is sometimes really really spic and span and neat, usually right after I've spent a couple hours cleaning it and it lasts for a half of an hour.....
So if you are looking for a picture perfect life with a well paid husband who models in his spare time when he is not saving puppies and babies from burning buildings and walking old ladies across the street, with a wife who still wears her jeans from high school, volunteers at the clinic for lepers while heading up the PTA and volunteering as class mom in between keeping her house spic and span, cooking perfect meals AND nailing pinterest crafts on a daily basis....keep looking, this is so not the blog for you.
If you are looking for a blog with a down to Earth, real lady that you can commiserate with....I'm your girl
I believe in being real, we can shame each other into feeling like we aren't good enough to make ourselves feel better which in reality doesn't change our situation at all or we can get real, realize that we are all in the same boat and laugh together which still doesn't change ours situation but it makes us much less of an asshole. Yes I make some restaurant worthy meals, I love to cook but trust me, it isn't every night, some days are just crappy days and we have breakfast for dinner which my husband and child think is quite fun or we have a pick night which they also love because it means they get to eat whatever they want as long as I don't have to make it....everyone is happy. I'm not slim anymore thanks to many chronic illnesses, I'm not happy not to be slim but I'm not going to photoshop myself to make people who will never meet me in real life think I'm a smoking hot mom....I do believe in good lighting, good angles and if I'm going to a fancy event (ha, like that has happened since 2013) , a good pair of Spanx! My house is sometimes really really spic and span and neat, usually right after I've spent a couple hours cleaning it and it lasts for a half of an hour.....
So if you are looking for a picture perfect life with a well paid husband who models in his spare time when he is not saving puppies and babies from burning buildings and walking old ladies across the street, with a wife who still wears her jeans from high school, volunteers at the clinic for lepers while heading up the PTA and volunteering as class mom in between keeping her house spic and span, cooking perfect meals AND nailing pinterest crafts on a daily basis....keep looking, this is so not the blog for you.
If you are looking for a blog with a down to Earth, real lady that you can commiserate with....I'm your girl
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