Okay, so I didn't actually go anywhere, my computer broke and there was no way I was going to attempt a blog post on a tablet. In fact, I've had the new computer for about a week but it has taken me that long to get used to typing again.
So lets see, has anything happened since last I wrote, well of course it has because its my life and my life can never just be stable now can it? I don't know if I have talked about this on this blog, but back in April of 2015 my heart started racing out of no where, 133 beats a minute and I was just resting, I wasn't anxious or anything and it wouldn't go down. Soon after I began a new job, more symptoms came, I was very fatigued but I had just started a new job so I figured that was it, by August my doctor pulled me out of work, I was having palpitations, short of breath, I was so weak I could barely hold myself up. Even sitting down with my legs up and my back leaning against the back rest if felt like I was putting forth the effort of running, there was just no relief, no rest. All of my blood work came back normal which frustrated both myself and my doctor. I was sent to many different specialist, I was put on a medication to help keep my blood pressure higher because it was pretty low but other than that no one knew what was going on. I was on the couch all day every day for months and it was a hmmmm, do I want to shower today or do I want to make myself food today sort of thing because I did NOT have energy for both. If we went grocery shopping I had to ride the motorized scooter and I was exhausted just from that. But then it gradually went away, I'd say about 80% anyway, I got tired more easily than I used to, my resting heart rate decided its new how was going to be at 100 beats per minute but I could more or less function again.
Fast forward to 2016, worst year of my life, the most emotional stress started in April when I was diagnosed with pseudo tumor cerebri on the same day my mom was diagnosed with ALS (she told me the next day). So there was a lot of emotional stress but then as mom declined there was a lot of physical stress as I helped care for her and then we were in a car accident which just added to more stress and then I had brain surgery....I believe that I wrote about everything else. I thought I was just being very slow to recover from my brain surgery, I was just so tired. But it kept getting worse, I just couldn't keep up, I knew it was bad when on my night to cook dinner I took my entire months spending money from myself to buy chinese for my daughter and husband because I just couldn't muster the energy to cook. Long story short, this time we have a diagnoses, POTS, which stands for Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. I could talk all day about the symptoms but if you are interested Google it. At this point I'm bed bound, if I stands up or sometimes just sit up for more than a minute my pulse just shoots right up, I think the highest its gone is 170, but if I recline back and put by feet up in drops right now into the 70s. So if I get up its not long before I'm shaking and light headed and short of breath and either black out or pass out.
I need a nap after taking a bath, its ridiculous. I wish this meant that I would be blogging more but most days I can't think straight or I don't feel well enough to feel motivated. Plus Im try to get better which is really hard because there really arent many options out there which is frustrating as hell.
I just know that there is a lesson in here for me. I am here right now because this is where I am supposed to be.
Wednesday, March 22, 2017
Monday, February 6, 2017
Death
Why is the talk of death so shied away from in our country, it's spoken about in hushed tones, some people won't talk about it at all, like simply speaking of it is inviting it to your door. We bury our heads in the sand and pretend that it isn't going to happen. That baffles me, no one ever makes it out alive, ever, why the fear of the conversation? I do understand the fear of HOW we might die, for me its suffocation, the idea of suffocation is my terror. But simply the idea of death, that doesn't frighten me, that's part of the package, it's how things go, it is the way it is meant to be.
I never really put too much thought into people's avoidance of death, from time to time I would notice it but it wasn't until my mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness that I really started to notice just how much it effected people. A whole lot of denial going on. I remember talking to my grandmother about something for my mom and she was talking about how long term it wasn't good for you....and I'm thinking, um, Gram? She is dying, doesn't really matter. But I'm astounded at how many people avoid that conversations that should be had.
At first mom was in denial so we couldn't have those talks, as she came more into acceptance we started to. We talked about her memorial, where she wanted it, what music she wanted, if she wanted her urn to be present or not. We knew where she was going to be buried. We talked about what medical interventions she wanted, if any. I had Heimliched her once and I asked her, next time that happens, if I am unable to get the food up and you go unconscious, do you want me to keep going or do you want me to stop? She wanted me to stop. That was good to know. If it were to happen I wouldn't always wonder if I did the right thing or not. Unfortunately her speech and other ways of communication went very quickly, too quickly, there were many more things I wanted to ask her about her death.
You see, I think death should be embraced. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean that you have to like that its happening, what I mean is that you accept that death is happening and then you do everything in your power to give that person the best death possible. Some of the people that are dying won't want to talk about it but most probably will and the preferences will be all over the place. Some may want to be surrounded by family, some may want to die alone. Some may want clergy present. As for my mom, I plan to make it a very relaxed and calm atmosphere. She doesn't want medical intervention so most likely we will have about a week where we see it coming so I can be there the whole time. I will dim the lights, if its spring I will make sure there is fresh air, she loves fresh air, I will snuggle in bed with her even though she won't be conscious for most of it she will feel someone else with her, I will bring oil and aromatherapy oils and massage her muscles, I will talk to her and I will sing to her and I will tell her that she did her job and she did it well and its okay to go.
A beautiful death is just as important as a beautiful life.
I never really put too much thought into people's avoidance of death, from time to time I would notice it but it wasn't until my mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness that I really started to notice just how much it effected people. A whole lot of denial going on. I remember talking to my grandmother about something for my mom and she was talking about how long term it wasn't good for you....and I'm thinking, um, Gram? She is dying, doesn't really matter. But I'm astounded at how many people avoid that conversations that should be had.
At first mom was in denial so we couldn't have those talks, as she came more into acceptance we started to. We talked about her memorial, where she wanted it, what music she wanted, if she wanted her urn to be present or not. We knew where she was going to be buried. We talked about what medical interventions she wanted, if any. I had Heimliched her once and I asked her, next time that happens, if I am unable to get the food up and you go unconscious, do you want me to keep going or do you want me to stop? She wanted me to stop. That was good to know. If it were to happen I wouldn't always wonder if I did the right thing or not. Unfortunately her speech and other ways of communication went very quickly, too quickly, there were many more things I wanted to ask her about her death.
You see, I think death should be embraced. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean that you have to like that its happening, what I mean is that you accept that death is happening and then you do everything in your power to give that person the best death possible. Some of the people that are dying won't want to talk about it but most probably will and the preferences will be all over the place. Some may want to be surrounded by family, some may want to die alone. Some may want clergy present. As for my mom, I plan to make it a very relaxed and calm atmosphere. She doesn't want medical intervention so most likely we will have about a week where we see it coming so I can be there the whole time. I will dim the lights, if its spring I will make sure there is fresh air, she loves fresh air, I will snuggle in bed with her even though she won't be conscious for most of it she will feel someone else with her, I will bring oil and aromatherapy oils and massage her muscles, I will talk to her and I will sing to her and I will tell her that she did her job and she did it well and its okay to go.
A beautiful death is just as important as a beautiful life.
Monday, January 30, 2017
Stigma
Ugh, what the hell is up with the Stigma that surrounds mental health? I just don't understand it. It keeps so many people from getting help, people are embarrassed and feel like they are faulty or to blame for their condition. I mean, when someone gets diabetes you don't hear people whispering behind their backs "you know, Jenny's not the same anymore, I don't know why the hell she can't just control her pancreas, what is her deal!", but because the disease originates in the brains somehow people think we somehow have control over it. Like one day we decided that sitting at home crying in the shower until we were shivering from the hot water running out a half hour ago sounded like a much better life than say, going hiking. We decided that being afraid every time got into a vehicle that we were going to die unless we prayed not to die was a much better use of our time than having a conversation with the people in the car.
Yup, that's it, that is how it went. I was tired of this fulfilling life and I went home and told my brain, that's it! You've let me down for the LAST time, now STOP making enough Serotonin, while your at it can you tone down the Dopamine and ...hmmm....maybe destroy a couple pathways while you are at it.
Truth be told, I've never had a fulfilling life, I've always been plagued by depression and anxiety. I can remember laying in bed as a child estimating how many years I would have left to spend with all of the important people in my life before they died. By age 21 I had already attempted suicide, I didn't want to die but I wanted the pain to stop and that was the only way I could think of to make it stop.
You know why there is a stigma? Because it scares people. Because if it isn't a choice, if this is a disease that "happens" to people, then it could happen to them or someone that they love.
When my neighbors found out what I was in the psych hospital they looked at each other and said "that's sad", sure, the events that led up to me being there was sad but that's not what they meant. They meant it was sad that I "cracked". These neighbors found out via my 11 year old who plays with their kid, I told my daughter, going to that hospital was anything but sad, going to that hospital was brave and it was responsible. If you are sick you go to the doctor to get better, if its your bones you go to a orthopedic doctor, if its your heart you go to a cardiologist, this is no different. I find it sad that they think taking care of ones self is sad.
If you have a mental illness. Its NOT your fault, it is NOT something to be embarrassed about it, it is a condition that you have, it is NOT who you are. You are NOT weak, you are NOT faulty, you are a person with an illness, that's it. You need to hold your head high and take care of yourself. I remember not wanting to take my meds because I felt like being reliant on medication meant I was weak....I look back now and I think "what a freaking idiot". Lets use diabetes as an example again, if I need insulin for life because I am a diabetic does that mean I am weak? NO, it means my pancreas doesn't work and I am giving my body what it needs to perform correctly. No different with mental health, something isn't working right, whether it be pathways have broken down or chemical imbalances or whatnot , your meds simply give your body what it needs to regain balance. Take your meds, take them regularly and do NOT STOP TAKING THEM once you start feeling good. So many people start feeling good and then they think hey, I feel good, I don't need these meds and they stop taking them.....not only do some of them deal with some crappy withdrawal but also you crash pretty darn quick.
There is so much more to say but there will be other posts for that.
For now know this, you are loved, you are worth more than your darkness tells you that you are, you are strong, you have survived everything you have ever faced, emotions-ALL emotions are temporary, the hurt will stop and you will smile again. Don't stop trying, never stop trying to get help, investing in yourself is the most important thing you possibly can do. You are NOT alone.
Yup, that's it, that is how it went. I was tired of this fulfilling life and I went home and told my brain, that's it! You've let me down for the LAST time, now STOP making enough Serotonin, while your at it can you tone down the Dopamine and ...hmmm....maybe destroy a couple pathways while you are at it.
Truth be told, I've never had a fulfilling life, I've always been plagued by depression and anxiety. I can remember laying in bed as a child estimating how many years I would have left to spend with all of the important people in my life before they died. By age 21 I had already attempted suicide, I didn't want to die but I wanted the pain to stop and that was the only way I could think of to make it stop.
You know why there is a stigma? Because it scares people. Because if it isn't a choice, if this is a disease that "happens" to people, then it could happen to them or someone that they love.
When my neighbors found out what I was in the psych hospital they looked at each other and said "that's sad", sure, the events that led up to me being there was sad but that's not what they meant. They meant it was sad that I "cracked". These neighbors found out via my 11 year old who plays with their kid, I told my daughter, going to that hospital was anything but sad, going to that hospital was brave and it was responsible. If you are sick you go to the doctor to get better, if its your bones you go to a orthopedic doctor, if its your heart you go to a cardiologist, this is no different. I find it sad that they think taking care of ones self is sad.
If you have a mental illness. Its NOT your fault, it is NOT something to be embarrassed about it, it is a condition that you have, it is NOT who you are. You are NOT weak, you are NOT faulty, you are a person with an illness, that's it. You need to hold your head high and take care of yourself. I remember not wanting to take my meds because I felt like being reliant on medication meant I was weak....I look back now and I think "what a freaking idiot". Lets use diabetes as an example again, if I need insulin for life because I am a diabetic does that mean I am weak? NO, it means my pancreas doesn't work and I am giving my body what it needs to perform correctly. No different with mental health, something isn't working right, whether it be pathways have broken down or chemical imbalances or whatnot , your meds simply give your body what it needs to regain balance. Take your meds, take them regularly and do NOT STOP TAKING THEM once you start feeling good. So many people start feeling good and then they think hey, I feel good, I don't need these meds and they stop taking them.....not only do some of them deal with some crappy withdrawal but also you crash pretty darn quick.
There is so much more to say but there will be other posts for that.
For now know this, you are loved, you are worth more than your darkness tells you that you are, you are strong, you have survived everything you have ever faced, emotions-ALL emotions are temporary, the hurt will stop and you will smile again. Don't stop trying, never stop trying to get help, investing in yourself is the most important thing you possibly can do. You are NOT alone.
Thursday, January 5, 2017
Inpatient
So, I was gone for awhile. Christmas was a really, really tough time for me. I tried to reach out for help from some family members a week prior because I had been over doing it, extending myself beyond healthy limits to help my mom, but I got no response. On Christmas I needed help lifting her , obviously I can't anymore but when I stood up for myself and set boundaries tantrums were thrown and basically I am estranged now from a good chunk of my family, which is honestly okay. My family , most of them, are quite toxic, they don't get together to resolve things, they get together to see who can hurt the other the worst with their words. I didn't have much to do with them before my moms illness and I won't have much to do with them after. I was accused of being selfish, cowardly and told I should be ashamed of myself....that threw me over the edge. I knew that there was no truth in their words but it still threw me over the edge.
For weeks I have been struggling, I've had Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety for most of my life and I am vigilant about seeing a counselor and someone to monitor my meds. Due to a shortage in Psychiatrists I have a psychiatric nurse practitioner. I had seen her to tell her I was struggling, she didn't think a med change would help since it was more situational but she did bump one med up slightly. But I kept getting worse, angry outbursts, hysterical crying jags etc, and I didn't know what to do because I thought it was just normal grieving but on a huge scale seeing as I lost many people this year, my mom is dying and I have my own illnesses. So I didn't get help because my nurse practitioner had told me that a med increase wouldn't help. I began to think about suicide, I knew I would never do it because I would never leave this world willingly and leave my daughter without her mother...but that night, I felt really unsafe, I worried that I would have a moment where I did something impulsive , not thinking about my daughter, something I wouldn't be able to take back. So I got help.
There is a wonderful privately owned Psychiatric Facility near where I live, it isn't a hospital setting, its more like a little campus of cabins, you wear your own clothes, have a team of doctors and counselors. It's a mix of adjusting meds, changing meds if needed and going to classes such as Interpersonal Effectiveness, Understanding Your Illness, Codependency/Setting Boundaries etc and holistic things such as aromatherapy, meditation, mindfulness etc. They did increase my meds which did help me deal with things, I learned that I was on the lowest therapeutic dose of my most important med...time to find a new practitioner! But more important I learned a lot about myself. When they signed me up for the Codependency class I had no idea why, I always thought Codependent meant you needed people or a certain person around all of the time or relied on them in an unhealthy way. When I went to the class and they went over it I was like WHOAH! I'm a class Codependent Caretaker. I'm little miss fix it and a mother hen....I always thought that was a good thing but I have done it at the expense of myself and I've done for others what they could have done for themselves.....
I could keep going on but this post is already too long.
Bottom line-if you need help get help! Its nothing to be ashamed about! Yes, there is a stigma still out there but screw them, you need to live your best life. If you are physically sick you go to the hospital or a doctor, if you are critically ill you get checked in to the hospital. Well our brains are just like any other body part....well more important lol, it gets sick too, its nothing we caused, it isn't cause we are weak, its just chemistry and genetics. If you need help, go get the help you need and be proud of yourself because knowing when to ask for help is brave.
For weeks I have been struggling, I've had Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety for most of my life and I am vigilant about seeing a counselor and someone to monitor my meds. Due to a shortage in Psychiatrists I have a psychiatric nurse practitioner. I had seen her to tell her I was struggling, she didn't think a med change would help since it was more situational but she did bump one med up slightly. But I kept getting worse, angry outbursts, hysterical crying jags etc, and I didn't know what to do because I thought it was just normal grieving but on a huge scale seeing as I lost many people this year, my mom is dying and I have my own illnesses. So I didn't get help because my nurse practitioner had told me that a med increase wouldn't help. I began to think about suicide, I knew I would never do it because I would never leave this world willingly and leave my daughter without her mother...but that night, I felt really unsafe, I worried that I would have a moment where I did something impulsive , not thinking about my daughter, something I wouldn't be able to take back. So I got help.
There is a wonderful privately owned Psychiatric Facility near where I live, it isn't a hospital setting, its more like a little campus of cabins, you wear your own clothes, have a team of doctors and counselors. It's a mix of adjusting meds, changing meds if needed and going to classes such as Interpersonal Effectiveness, Understanding Your Illness, Codependency/Setting Boundaries etc and holistic things such as aromatherapy, meditation, mindfulness etc. They did increase my meds which did help me deal with things, I learned that I was on the lowest therapeutic dose of my most important med...time to find a new practitioner! But more important I learned a lot about myself. When they signed me up for the Codependency class I had no idea why, I always thought Codependent meant you needed people or a certain person around all of the time or relied on them in an unhealthy way. When I went to the class and they went over it I was like WHOAH! I'm a class Codependent Caretaker. I'm little miss fix it and a mother hen....I always thought that was a good thing but I have done it at the expense of myself and I've done for others what they could have done for themselves.....
I could keep going on but this post is already too long.
Bottom line-if you need help get help! Its nothing to be ashamed about! Yes, there is a stigma still out there but screw them, you need to live your best life. If you are physically sick you go to the hospital or a doctor, if you are critically ill you get checked in to the hospital. Well our brains are just like any other body part....well more important lol, it gets sick too, its nothing we caused, it isn't cause we are weak, its just chemistry and genetics. If you need help, go get the help you need and be proud of yourself because knowing when to ask for help is brave.
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