Okay, so I didn't actually go anywhere, my computer broke and there was no way I was going to attempt a blog post on a tablet. In fact, I've had the new computer for about a week but it has taken me that long to get used to typing again.
So lets see, has anything happened since last I wrote, well of course it has because its my life and my life can never just be stable now can it? I don't know if I have talked about this on this blog, but back in April of 2015 my heart started racing out of no where, 133 beats a minute and I was just resting, I wasn't anxious or anything and it wouldn't go down. Soon after I began a new job, more symptoms came, I was very fatigued but I had just started a new job so I figured that was it, by August my doctor pulled me out of work, I was having palpitations, short of breath, I was so weak I could barely hold myself up. Even sitting down with my legs up and my back leaning against the back rest if felt like I was putting forth the effort of running, there was just no relief, no rest. All of my blood work came back normal which frustrated both myself and my doctor. I was sent to many different specialist, I was put on a medication to help keep my blood pressure higher because it was pretty low but other than that no one knew what was going on. I was on the couch all day every day for months and it was a hmmmm, do I want to shower today or do I want to make myself food today sort of thing because I did NOT have energy for both. If we went grocery shopping I had to ride the motorized scooter and I was exhausted just from that. But then it gradually went away, I'd say about 80% anyway, I got tired more easily than I used to, my resting heart rate decided its new how was going to be at 100 beats per minute but I could more or less function again.
Fast forward to 2016, worst year of my life, the most emotional stress started in April when I was diagnosed with pseudo tumor cerebri on the same day my mom was diagnosed with ALS (she told me the next day). So there was a lot of emotional stress but then as mom declined there was a lot of physical stress as I helped care for her and then we were in a car accident which just added to more stress and then I had brain surgery....I believe that I wrote about everything else. I thought I was just being very slow to recover from my brain surgery, I was just so tired. But it kept getting worse, I just couldn't keep up, I knew it was bad when on my night to cook dinner I took my entire months spending money from myself to buy chinese for my daughter and husband because I just couldn't muster the energy to cook. Long story short, this time we have a diagnoses, POTS, which stands for Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. I could talk all day about the symptoms but if you are interested Google it. At this point I'm bed bound, if I stands up or sometimes just sit up for more than a minute my pulse just shoots right up, I think the highest its gone is 170, but if I recline back and put by feet up in drops right now into the 70s. So if I get up its not long before I'm shaking and light headed and short of breath and either black out or pass out.
I need a nap after taking a bath, its ridiculous. I wish this meant that I would be blogging more but most days I can't think straight or I don't feel well enough to feel motivated. Plus Im try to get better which is really hard because there really arent many options out there which is frustrating as hell.
I just know that there is a lesson in here for me. I am here right now because this is where I am supposed to be.
Wednesday, March 22, 2017
Monday, February 6, 2017
Death
Why is the talk of death so shied away from in our country, it's spoken about in hushed tones, some people won't talk about it at all, like simply speaking of it is inviting it to your door. We bury our heads in the sand and pretend that it isn't going to happen. That baffles me, no one ever makes it out alive, ever, why the fear of the conversation? I do understand the fear of HOW we might die, for me its suffocation, the idea of suffocation is my terror. But simply the idea of death, that doesn't frighten me, that's part of the package, it's how things go, it is the way it is meant to be.
I never really put too much thought into people's avoidance of death, from time to time I would notice it but it wasn't until my mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness that I really started to notice just how much it effected people. A whole lot of denial going on. I remember talking to my grandmother about something for my mom and she was talking about how long term it wasn't good for you....and I'm thinking, um, Gram? She is dying, doesn't really matter. But I'm astounded at how many people avoid that conversations that should be had.
At first mom was in denial so we couldn't have those talks, as she came more into acceptance we started to. We talked about her memorial, where she wanted it, what music she wanted, if she wanted her urn to be present or not. We knew where she was going to be buried. We talked about what medical interventions she wanted, if any. I had Heimliched her once and I asked her, next time that happens, if I am unable to get the food up and you go unconscious, do you want me to keep going or do you want me to stop? She wanted me to stop. That was good to know. If it were to happen I wouldn't always wonder if I did the right thing or not. Unfortunately her speech and other ways of communication went very quickly, too quickly, there were many more things I wanted to ask her about her death.
You see, I think death should be embraced. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean that you have to like that its happening, what I mean is that you accept that death is happening and then you do everything in your power to give that person the best death possible. Some of the people that are dying won't want to talk about it but most probably will and the preferences will be all over the place. Some may want to be surrounded by family, some may want to die alone. Some may want clergy present. As for my mom, I plan to make it a very relaxed and calm atmosphere. She doesn't want medical intervention so most likely we will have about a week where we see it coming so I can be there the whole time. I will dim the lights, if its spring I will make sure there is fresh air, she loves fresh air, I will snuggle in bed with her even though she won't be conscious for most of it she will feel someone else with her, I will bring oil and aromatherapy oils and massage her muscles, I will talk to her and I will sing to her and I will tell her that she did her job and she did it well and its okay to go.
A beautiful death is just as important as a beautiful life.
I never really put too much thought into people's avoidance of death, from time to time I would notice it but it wasn't until my mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness that I really started to notice just how much it effected people. A whole lot of denial going on. I remember talking to my grandmother about something for my mom and she was talking about how long term it wasn't good for you....and I'm thinking, um, Gram? She is dying, doesn't really matter. But I'm astounded at how many people avoid that conversations that should be had.
At first mom was in denial so we couldn't have those talks, as she came more into acceptance we started to. We talked about her memorial, where she wanted it, what music she wanted, if she wanted her urn to be present or not. We knew where she was going to be buried. We talked about what medical interventions she wanted, if any. I had Heimliched her once and I asked her, next time that happens, if I am unable to get the food up and you go unconscious, do you want me to keep going or do you want me to stop? She wanted me to stop. That was good to know. If it were to happen I wouldn't always wonder if I did the right thing or not. Unfortunately her speech and other ways of communication went very quickly, too quickly, there were many more things I wanted to ask her about her death.
You see, I think death should be embraced. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean that you have to like that its happening, what I mean is that you accept that death is happening and then you do everything in your power to give that person the best death possible. Some of the people that are dying won't want to talk about it but most probably will and the preferences will be all over the place. Some may want to be surrounded by family, some may want to die alone. Some may want clergy present. As for my mom, I plan to make it a very relaxed and calm atmosphere. She doesn't want medical intervention so most likely we will have about a week where we see it coming so I can be there the whole time. I will dim the lights, if its spring I will make sure there is fresh air, she loves fresh air, I will snuggle in bed with her even though she won't be conscious for most of it she will feel someone else with her, I will bring oil and aromatherapy oils and massage her muscles, I will talk to her and I will sing to her and I will tell her that she did her job and she did it well and its okay to go.
A beautiful death is just as important as a beautiful life.
Monday, January 30, 2017
Stigma
Ugh, what the hell is up with the Stigma that surrounds mental health? I just don't understand it. It keeps so many people from getting help, people are embarrassed and feel like they are faulty or to blame for their condition. I mean, when someone gets diabetes you don't hear people whispering behind their backs "you know, Jenny's not the same anymore, I don't know why the hell she can't just control her pancreas, what is her deal!", but because the disease originates in the brains somehow people think we somehow have control over it. Like one day we decided that sitting at home crying in the shower until we were shivering from the hot water running out a half hour ago sounded like a much better life than say, going hiking. We decided that being afraid every time got into a vehicle that we were going to die unless we prayed not to die was a much better use of our time than having a conversation with the people in the car.
Yup, that's it, that is how it went. I was tired of this fulfilling life and I went home and told my brain, that's it! You've let me down for the LAST time, now STOP making enough Serotonin, while your at it can you tone down the Dopamine and ...hmmm....maybe destroy a couple pathways while you are at it.
Truth be told, I've never had a fulfilling life, I've always been plagued by depression and anxiety. I can remember laying in bed as a child estimating how many years I would have left to spend with all of the important people in my life before they died. By age 21 I had already attempted suicide, I didn't want to die but I wanted the pain to stop and that was the only way I could think of to make it stop.
You know why there is a stigma? Because it scares people. Because if it isn't a choice, if this is a disease that "happens" to people, then it could happen to them or someone that they love.
When my neighbors found out what I was in the psych hospital they looked at each other and said "that's sad", sure, the events that led up to me being there was sad but that's not what they meant. They meant it was sad that I "cracked". These neighbors found out via my 11 year old who plays with their kid, I told my daughter, going to that hospital was anything but sad, going to that hospital was brave and it was responsible. If you are sick you go to the doctor to get better, if its your bones you go to a orthopedic doctor, if its your heart you go to a cardiologist, this is no different. I find it sad that they think taking care of ones self is sad.
If you have a mental illness. Its NOT your fault, it is NOT something to be embarrassed about it, it is a condition that you have, it is NOT who you are. You are NOT weak, you are NOT faulty, you are a person with an illness, that's it. You need to hold your head high and take care of yourself. I remember not wanting to take my meds because I felt like being reliant on medication meant I was weak....I look back now and I think "what a freaking idiot". Lets use diabetes as an example again, if I need insulin for life because I am a diabetic does that mean I am weak? NO, it means my pancreas doesn't work and I am giving my body what it needs to perform correctly. No different with mental health, something isn't working right, whether it be pathways have broken down or chemical imbalances or whatnot , your meds simply give your body what it needs to regain balance. Take your meds, take them regularly and do NOT STOP TAKING THEM once you start feeling good. So many people start feeling good and then they think hey, I feel good, I don't need these meds and they stop taking them.....not only do some of them deal with some crappy withdrawal but also you crash pretty darn quick.
There is so much more to say but there will be other posts for that.
For now know this, you are loved, you are worth more than your darkness tells you that you are, you are strong, you have survived everything you have ever faced, emotions-ALL emotions are temporary, the hurt will stop and you will smile again. Don't stop trying, never stop trying to get help, investing in yourself is the most important thing you possibly can do. You are NOT alone.
Yup, that's it, that is how it went. I was tired of this fulfilling life and I went home and told my brain, that's it! You've let me down for the LAST time, now STOP making enough Serotonin, while your at it can you tone down the Dopamine and ...hmmm....maybe destroy a couple pathways while you are at it.
Truth be told, I've never had a fulfilling life, I've always been plagued by depression and anxiety. I can remember laying in bed as a child estimating how many years I would have left to spend with all of the important people in my life before they died. By age 21 I had already attempted suicide, I didn't want to die but I wanted the pain to stop and that was the only way I could think of to make it stop.
You know why there is a stigma? Because it scares people. Because if it isn't a choice, if this is a disease that "happens" to people, then it could happen to them or someone that they love.
When my neighbors found out what I was in the psych hospital they looked at each other and said "that's sad", sure, the events that led up to me being there was sad but that's not what they meant. They meant it was sad that I "cracked". These neighbors found out via my 11 year old who plays with their kid, I told my daughter, going to that hospital was anything but sad, going to that hospital was brave and it was responsible. If you are sick you go to the doctor to get better, if its your bones you go to a orthopedic doctor, if its your heart you go to a cardiologist, this is no different. I find it sad that they think taking care of ones self is sad.
If you have a mental illness. Its NOT your fault, it is NOT something to be embarrassed about it, it is a condition that you have, it is NOT who you are. You are NOT weak, you are NOT faulty, you are a person with an illness, that's it. You need to hold your head high and take care of yourself. I remember not wanting to take my meds because I felt like being reliant on medication meant I was weak....I look back now and I think "what a freaking idiot". Lets use diabetes as an example again, if I need insulin for life because I am a diabetic does that mean I am weak? NO, it means my pancreas doesn't work and I am giving my body what it needs to perform correctly. No different with mental health, something isn't working right, whether it be pathways have broken down or chemical imbalances or whatnot , your meds simply give your body what it needs to regain balance. Take your meds, take them regularly and do NOT STOP TAKING THEM once you start feeling good. So many people start feeling good and then they think hey, I feel good, I don't need these meds and they stop taking them.....not only do some of them deal with some crappy withdrawal but also you crash pretty darn quick.
There is so much more to say but there will be other posts for that.
For now know this, you are loved, you are worth more than your darkness tells you that you are, you are strong, you have survived everything you have ever faced, emotions-ALL emotions are temporary, the hurt will stop and you will smile again. Don't stop trying, never stop trying to get help, investing in yourself is the most important thing you possibly can do. You are NOT alone.
Thursday, January 5, 2017
Inpatient
So, I was gone for awhile. Christmas was a really, really tough time for me. I tried to reach out for help from some family members a week prior because I had been over doing it, extending myself beyond healthy limits to help my mom, but I got no response. On Christmas I needed help lifting her , obviously I can't anymore but when I stood up for myself and set boundaries tantrums were thrown and basically I am estranged now from a good chunk of my family, which is honestly okay. My family , most of them, are quite toxic, they don't get together to resolve things, they get together to see who can hurt the other the worst with their words. I didn't have much to do with them before my moms illness and I won't have much to do with them after. I was accused of being selfish, cowardly and told I should be ashamed of myself....that threw me over the edge. I knew that there was no truth in their words but it still threw me over the edge.
For weeks I have been struggling, I've had Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety for most of my life and I am vigilant about seeing a counselor and someone to monitor my meds. Due to a shortage in Psychiatrists I have a psychiatric nurse practitioner. I had seen her to tell her I was struggling, she didn't think a med change would help since it was more situational but she did bump one med up slightly. But I kept getting worse, angry outbursts, hysterical crying jags etc, and I didn't know what to do because I thought it was just normal grieving but on a huge scale seeing as I lost many people this year, my mom is dying and I have my own illnesses. So I didn't get help because my nurse practitioner had told me that a med increase wouldn't help. I began to think about suicide, I knew I would never do it because I would never leave this world willingly and leave my daughter without her mother...but that night, I felt really unsafe, I worried that I would have a moment where I did something impulsive , not thinking about my daughter, something I wouldn't be able to take back. So I got help.
There is a wonderful privately owned Psychiatric Facility near where I live, it isn't a hospital setting, its more like a little campus of cabins, you wear your own clothes, have a team of doctors and counselors. It's a mix of adjusting meds, changing meds if needed and going to classes such as Interpersonal Effectiveness, Understanding Your Illness, Codependency/Setting Boundaries etc and holistic things such as aromatherapy, meditation, mindfulness etc. They did increase my meds which did help me deal with things, I learned that I was on the lowest therapeutic dose of my most important med...time to find a new practitioner! But more important I learned a lot about myself. When they signed me up for the Codependency class I had no idea why, I always thought Codependent meant you needed people or a certain person around all of the time or relied on them in an unhealthy way. When I went to the class and they went over it I was like WHOAH! I'm a class Codependent Caretaker. I'm little miss fix it and a mother hen....I always thought that was a good thing but I have done it at the expense of myself and I've done for others what they could have done for themselves.....
I could keep going on but this post is already too long.
Bottom line-if you need help get help! Its nothing to be ashamed about! Yes, there is a stigma still out there but screw them, you need to live your best life. If you are physically sick you go to the hospital or a doctor, if you are critically ill you get checked in to the hospital. Well our brains are just like any other body part....well more important lol, it gets sick too, its nothing we caused, it isn't cause we are weak, its just chemistry and genetics. If you need help, go get the help you need and be proud of yourself because knowing when to ask for help is brave.
For weeks I have been struggling, I've had Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety for most of my life and I am vigilant about seeing a counselor and someone to monitor my meds. Due to a shortage in Psychiatrists I have a psychiatric nurse practitioner. I had seen her to tell her I was struggling, she didn't think a med change would help since it was more situational but she did bump one med up slightly. But I kept getting worse, angry outbursts, hysterical crying jags etc, and I didn't know what to do because I thought it was just normal grieving but on a huge scale seeing as I lost many people this year, my mom is dying and I have my own illnesses. So I didn't get help because my nurse practitioner had told me that a med increase wouldn't help. I began to think about suicide, I knew I would never do it because I would never leave this world willingly and leave my daughter without her mother...but that night, I felt really unsafe, I worried that I would have a moment where I did something impulsive , not thinking about my daughter, something I wouldn't be able to take back. So I got help.
There is a wonderful privately owned Psychiatric Facility near where I live, it isn't a hospital setting, its more like a little campus of cabins, you wear your own clothes, have a team of doctors and counselors. It's a mix of adjusting meds, changing meds if needed and going to classes such as Interpersonal Effectiveness, Understanding Your Illness, Codependency/Setting Boundaries etc and holistic things such as aromatherapy, meditation, mindfulness etc. They did increase my meds which did help me deal with things, I learned that I was on the lowest therapeutic dose of my most important med...time to find a new practitioner! But more important I learned a lot about myself. When they signed me up for the Codependency class I had no idea why, I always thought Codependent meant you needed people or a certain person around all of the time or relied on them in an unhealthy way. When I went to the class and they went over it I was like WHOAH! I'm a class Codependent Caretaker. I'm little miss fix it and a mother hen....I always thought that was a good thing but I have done it at the expense of myself and I've done for others what they could have done for themselves.....
I could keep going on but this post is already too long.
Bottom line-if you need help get help! Its nothing to be ashamed about! Yes, there is a stigma still out there but screw them, you need to live your best life. If you are physically sick you go to the hospital or a doctor, if you are critically ill you get checked in to the hospital. Well our brains are just like any other body part....well more important lol, it gets sick too, its nothing we caused, it isn't cause we are weak, its just chemistry and genetics. If you need help, go get the help you need and be proud of yourself because knowing when to ask for help is brave.
Friday, December 23, 2016
Rough Night
It's a rough night for me tonight. My husband and daughter are downstairs watching a movie which is a good thing, I very much need alone time. I am on my couch with a blanket over me, sitting in front of the Christmas tree crying. While these tears aren't happy ones, they ARE good. Tears free up your soul a bit for whatever else is to come. I tell my daughter its like a cup sitting under a constantly leaky faucet, eventually you have to get rid of some of the water in the cup or its going to overflow. The heart and spirit are like that as well, you have to relieve some of the pressure or it will relieve itself and probably at a time and place and in a way that you don't want them to. May come out as anger, or regular crying just not when you want, you may shut down emotionally and mentally, or you may get sick either acutely or chronically. One way or another, the pain will find a way out so better to have the control over it. So many of us try to repress pain, seriously, who wants to feel badly? No one, but thats how many people end up addicts, thats how my husband relapsed. That is how people have nervous break downs. You can't push it back , you just can't. The only way out of the pain is through the pain and it takes as long as it takes. You can't see the rainbow until you've gotten through the rain.
My motto lately has been "the only way out is through" and I have to hang on to that. I don't know HOW I will be okay, I have no freaking idea in the world how I will be okay. But I KNOW that I will and right now that's all that I need to know, I don't need to know how, I just have to know that I will. I look at my dad and my step mom, both have lost both parents, in fact my step mom lost both of her parents within weeks of each other.....and it devastated them BUT, they smiled again, they laughed again, their life went on and they found a new normal. I will too. I will never ever be the same for what I have gone through this year and what next year will bring but that's okay, I don't want to go back to being who I was before this because after going through this I will have more strength and more compassion and more appreciation for life. I wish I never had to go through this but if I have to then I'm taking some lessons with me to help some other people.
Today I was down with my mom, once I had her settled, I went into her room and started wrapping the last Christmas presents that she will ever buy, and as I curled the ribbons I cried because I was missing my Gram, she was the one that taught me how to curl the ribbons, and I thought about Uncle Joe and his upcoming memorial and my cousins and how hard things must be for them right now..
So yeah, it was a really hard day and I am letting the memories slide down my cheeks tonight without bothering to wipe them away. When I'm done,I will feel better and I will have the strength to keep going....
My motto lately has been "the only way out is through" and I have to hang on to that. I don't know HOW I will be okay, I have no freaking idea in the world how I will be okay. But I KNOW that I will and right now that's all that I need to know, I don't need to know how, I just have to know that I will. I look at my dad and my step mom, both have lost both parents, in fact my step mom lost both of her parents within weeks of each other.....and it devastated them BUT, they smiled again, they laughed again, their life went on and they found a new normal. I will too. I will never ever be the same for what I have gone through this year and what next year will bring but that's okay, I don't want to go back to being who I was before this because after going through this I will have more strength and more compassion and more appreciation for life. I wish I never had to go through this but if I have to then I'm taking some lessons with me to help some other people.
Today I was down with my mom, once I had her settled, I went into her room and started wrapping the last Christmas presents that she will ever buy, and as I curled the ribbons I cried because I was missing my Gram, she was the one that taught me how to curl the ribbons, and I thought about Uncle Joe and his upcoming memorial and my cousins and how hard things must be for them right now..
So yeah, it was a really hard day and I am letting the memories slide down my cheeks tonight without bothering to wipe them away. When I'm done,I will feel better and I will have the strength to keep going....
Thursday, December 22, 2016
Long time, no write
I know, I know, it's been 5 months since I've written. I got into a bad funk and it's not just from what's going on with my mom although that is enough. Since 2016 began here is a list of all of the things that have happened (negative things), I would list the positives but honestly there haven't been many.
My Cousins son was diagnosed with Cancer
My Uncle was diagnosed with Cancer
My dad was supposed to have surgery for his back, he has bad spinal stenosis, but then he ended up
with a blood clot so the surgery had to be put off for six months, in that time he developed
cellulitis, they found another blood clot, he lost the use of his right leg which made him fall and he
ended up breaking a bone in his back. They found he had skin cancer, luckily is was basal cell
carcinoma, if you get skin cancer thats the kind you want because it is the least deadly and doesn't
spread too far or too quickly. In August he finally did have his back surgery.
My step mom ended up with the same kind of skin cancer
My Gram started having dizzy spells, fell and broke her arm, turns out that her heart was skipping a
beat so they put a pacemaker in.
On our way home from the ALS Center, my mom and I were sitting at a red light and the guy in the
car behind us must have been texting or something because he hit us going about 40 MPH while
we were at a dead stop, never hit his brakes, hit us so hard that he went up under our car and
ripped out the exhaust system, drove us into two other cars. Our glasses flew off of our faces
upon impact. My moms front license plate was found 20 feet behind her car.....I just had a lot of
muscle spasms, my mom had a bruised sternum and messed up her shoulder.
I started losing my vision and started having horrible headaches , ended up that I have Idiopathic
Intracranial Hypertension so I ended up needing brain surgery to have a VP Shunt placed. When
my husband came to pick me up from the hospital to bring me home the day after my surgery he
had to tell me that my grandmother had died unexpectedly.
Three weeks after my surgery my daughter ended up hospitalized with Pneumonia
My husband, who had been clean for a year ended up relapsing and went back into rehab
My daughter got lice and rather than pass it back and forth I shaved my head, I now look like a Chia Pet.
My dog shredded his ACL and needed a $1,200 surgery
A part broke on my furnace and we were without heat for three days when an arctic cold front came
our way, we could see our breath in our house. That cost us $800 (and was in the same month as
the dog surgery)
My Uncle died last week.
It just never ends and those are the big things, there are tons of small things but because of all of the big things the small things don't feel small anymore. It seems like we are knocked down, get part way to our feet and something happens to push us right back down. Its been overwhelming to say the least.
Anyway, I am trying to stand up again, this is what I wrote in a FaceBook post about everything.
So, as I was grating cheese for our crock pot dinner, I had an epiphany. This year has been HORRIBLE, full of sickness, tragedy and death....thats nothing new...but somehow I went from telling myself that I would get through it to just throwing my hands up in the air. I stopped trying to get back up because each time I did, something new would push me back down. I am first and foremost a mom and I need to teach my daughter that when life pushes you to your knees you get up again, no matter how many times you fall, you get up. Many times you don't think that you can, many times, if we are being honest, you don't want to, but you have to. I have survived every single thing that has ever been thrown my way, as have you all. I will survive this to, I will never be the person who I was but that's okay, I will have holes in my heart that will never be filled but I will be stronger because I go on even with those holes there. This is what my daughter needs to learn from me. Not by me telling her but by me showing her. Does this meant that my emotional outbursts are done? Haha NO. But it does mean that I've regained my focus, my big girl panties are on and I'm getting up off of the floor now.
So I am back, I don't think anyone reads this posts anyway being that I have so few posts up but who knows, maybe someone will someday.
My Cousins son was diagnosed with Cancer
My Uncle was diagnosed with Cancer
My dad was supposed to have surgery for his back, he has bad spinal stenosis, but then he ended up
with a blood clot so the surgery had to be put off for six months, in that time he developed
cellulitis, they found another blood clot, he lost the use of his right leg which made him fall and he
ended up breaking a bone in his back. They found he had skin cancer, luckily is was basal cell
carcinoma, if you get skin cancer thats the kind you want because it is the least deadly and doesn't
spread too far or too quickly. In August he finally did have his back surgery.
My step mom ended up with the same kind of skin cancer
My Gram started having dizzy spells, fell and broke her arm, turns out that her heart was skipping a
beat so they put a pacemaker in.
On our way home from the ALS Center, my mom and I were sitting at a red light and the guy in the
car behind us must have been texting or something because he hit us going about 40 MPH while
we were at a dead stop, never hit his brakes, hit us so hard that he went up under our car and
ripped out the exhaust system, drove us into two other cars. Our glasses flew off of our faces
upon impact. My moms front license plate was found 20 feet behind her car.....I just had a lot of
muscle spasms, my mom had a bruised sternum and messed up her shoulder.
I started losing my vision and started having horrible headaches , ended up that I have Idiopathic
Intracranial Hypertension so I ended up needing brain surgery to have a VP Shunt placed. When
my husband came to pick me up from the hospital to bring me home the day after my surgery he
had to tell me that my grandmother had died unexpectedly.
Three weeks after my surgery my daughter ended up hospitalized with Pneumonia
My husband, who had been clean for a year ended up relapsing and went back into rehab
My daughter got lice and rather than pass it back and forth I shaved my head, I now look like a Chia Pet.
My dog shredded his ACL and needed a $1,200 surgery
A part broke on my furnace and we were without heat for three days when an arctic cold front came
our way, we could see our breath in our house. That cost us $800 (and was in the same month as
the dog surgery)
My Uncle died last week.
It just never ends and those are the big things, there are tons of small things but because of all of the big things the small things don't feel small anymore. It seems like we are knocked down, get part way to our feet and something happens to push us right back down. Its been overwhelming to say the least.
Anyway, I am trying to stand up again, this is what I wrote in a FaceBook post about everything.
So, as I was grating cheese for our crock pot dinner, I had an epiphany. This year has been HORRIBLE, full of sickness, tragedy and death....thats nothing new...but somehow I went from telling myself that I would get through it to just throwing my hands up in the air. I stopped trying to get back up because each time I did, something new would push me back down. I am first and foremost a mom and I need to teach my daughter that when life pushes you to your knees you get up again, no matter how many times you fall, you get up. Many times you don't think that you can, many times, if we are being honest, you don't want to, but you have to. I have survived every single thing that has ever been thrown my way, as have you all. I will survive this to, I will never be the person who I was but that's okay, I will have holes in my heart that will never be filled but I will be stronger because I go on even with those holes there. This is what my daughter needs to learn from me. Not by me telling her but by me showing her. Does this meant that my emotional outbursts are done? Haha NO. But it does mean that I've regained my focus, my big girl panties are on and I'm getting up off of the floor now.
So I am back, I don't think anyone reads this posts anyway being that I have so few posts up but who knows, maybe someone will someday.
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Introversion
I am a born introvert but I spent much of my life feeling inferior....while gaggles of little girls with pig tails giggled as little boys chased after them on the playground I was the one on the swings pretending I was the goddess of wind lol. In Jr High when kids were gossiping at the lunch tables I was in the office helping the office ladies with their work, when it was time for the school play rather than try out for a role I was quite happy to wear all black and disappear into the darkness back stage as a stage hand. The trend continued into high school and college...I was not only introverted I was also shy, you see they are two very different things although the outside world lumps the two together. People who are shy tend to stay away from others because of fear of judgement, they worry what others will think. Introverts just enjoy less stimulation and their own company or the company of one or two close friends.
I spent my adolescent years watching the extroverts and wishing I could be like them, those popular girls whose hair seemed to move in perfect slow motion when they tossed their heads back laughing at whatever the hot football player said. They were invited to all the parties, always had dates and even were chummy with the teachers. I thought something was wrong with me and that wasn't just my own doing, the world tends to celebrate extroverts while introverts are looked at as a bit, antisocial and perhaps even stuck up. You see shows like "Friends", "Glee", "Cheers", "Vampire Diaries" lol etc where people are having the time of their lives in groups and crowds....its very rare that you find a show that stars introverts, there is "The Big Bang Theory" which I do happen to love but even that carries that introvert stereo type, nerdy and odd .
It's funny because my husband is a total extrovert, he can talk to ANYONE, seriously, he can and actually WANTS to strike up a conversation. He loves parties and is energized by other people, he loves to play his xbox and talk to his friends on it and is just a complete people person. I on the other hand, will do just about anything to get out of going to a party and if I have to go I pray that they have a dog so I can spend the hours cuddling it rather than mingling.I hate small talk, I hate talking on the phone even to friends and relatives, I really do have to work myself up before I make a phone call. I've been known to crave pizza really badly but not order it because I didn't want to interact with the delivery person and if the mail carrier drives up I wait until he has put the mail in the box and driven away so I don't have to talk. It sounds bitchy, I know, but it is not driven by my inner bitch I swear. I would be perfectly happy to live in a remote cabin in Alaska as long as I had internet. I have one in person friend and the rest of my friends are online and I've never met them.
I've finally embraced my introversion, rather than trying to be something I'm not I have embraced who I am and now relish my introversion. I spend hours reading, painting and watching old movies. I enjoy silence and a dimly lit room, it soothes me and feels like a giant hug.
For those of you who aren't introverts I ask you to read this article that explains introverts better than I ever could. My husband read it and finally understands me, finally understands why after a party or dinner with my family I need to come home and just be left alone for awhile.
If you are an introvert EMBRACE it, if you are an extrovert embrace that too! Embrace who you are.
I spent my adolescent years watching the extroverts and wishing I could be like them, those popular girls whose hair seemed to move in perfect slow motion when they tossed their heads back laughing at whatever the hot football player said. They were invited to all the parties, always had dates and even were chummy with the teachers. I thought something was wrong with me and that wasn't just my own doing, the world tends to celebrate extroverts while introverts are looked at as a bit, antisocial and perhaps even stuck up. You see shows like "Friends", "Glee", "Cheers", "Vampire Diaries" lol etc where people are having the time of their lives in groups and crowds....its very rare that you find a show that stars introverts, there is "The Big Bang Theory" which I do happen to love but even that carries that introvert stereo type, nerdy and odd .
It's funny because my husband is a total extrovert, he can talk to ANYONE, seriously, he can and actually WANTS to strike up a conversation. He loves parties and is energized by other people, he loves to play his xbox and talk to his friends on it and is just a complete people person. I on the other hand, will do just about anything to get out of going to a party and if I have to go I pray that they have a dog so I can spend the hours cuddling it rather than mingling.I hate small talk, I hate talking on the phone even to friends and relatives, I really do have to work myself up before I make a phone call. I've been known to crave pizza really badly but not order it because I didn't want to interact with the delivery person and if the mail carrier drives up I wait until he has put the mail in the box and driven away so I don't have to talk. It sounds bitchy, I know, but it is not driven by my inner bitch I swear. I would be perfectly happy to live in a remote cabin in Alaska as long as I had internet. I have one in person friend and the rest of my friends are online and I've never met them.
I've finally embraced my introversion, rather than trying to be something I'm not I have embraced who I am and now relish my introversion. I spend hours reading, painting and watching old movies. I enjoy silence and a dimly lit room, it soothes me and feels like a giant hug.
For those of you who aren't introverts I ask you to read this article that explains introverts better than I ever could. My husband read it and finally understands me, finally understands why after a party or dinner with my family I need to come home and just be left alone for awhile.
If you are an introvert EMBRACE it, if you are an extrovert embrace that too! Embrace who you are.
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