Introversion

I am a born introvert but I spent much of my life feeling inferior....while gaggles of little girls with pig tails giggled as little boys chased after them on the playground I was the one on the swings pretending I was the goddess of wind lol. In Jr High when kids were gossiping at the lunch tables I was in the office helping the office ladies with their work, when it was time for the school play rather than try out for a role I was quite happy to wear all black and disappear into the darkness back stage as a stage hand. The trend continued into high school and college...I was not only introverted I was also shy, you see they are two very different things although the outside world lumps the two together. People who are shy tend to stay away from others because of fear of judgement, they worry what others will think. Introverts just enjoy less stimulation and their own company or the company of one or two close friends.

I spent my adolescent years watching the extroverts and wishing I could be like them, those popular girls whose hair seemed to move in perfect slow motion when they tossed their heads back laughing at whatever the hot football player said. They were invited to all the parties, always had dates and even were chummy with the teachers. I thought something was wrong with me and that wasn't just my own doing, the world tends to celebrate extroverts while introverts are looked at as a bit, antisocial and perhaps even stuck up. You see shows like "Friends", "Glee", "Cheers", "Vampire Diaries" lol etc where people are having the time of their lives in groups and crowds....its very rare that you find a show that stars introverts, there is "The Big Bang Theory" which I do happen to love but even that carries that introvert stereo type, nerdy and odd .

It's funny because my husband is a total extrovert, he can talk to ANYONE, seriously, he can and actually WANTS to strike up a conversation. He loves parties and is energized by other people, he loves to play his xbox and talk to his friends on it and is just a complete people person. I on the other hand, will do just about anything to get out of going to a party and if I have to go I pray that they have a dog so I can spend the hours cuddling it rather than mingling.I hate small talk, I hate talking on the phone even to friends and relatives, I really do have to work myself up before I make a phone call. I've been known to crave pizza really badly but not order it because I didn't want to interact with the delivery person and if the mail carrier drives up I wait until he has put the mail in the box and driven away so I don't have to talk. It sounds bitchy, I know, but it is not driven by my inner bitch I swear. I would be perfectly happy to live in a remote cabin in Alaska as long as I had internet. I have one in person friend and the rest of my friends are online and I've never met them.

I've finally embraced my introversion, rather than trying to be something I'm not I have embraced who I am and now relish my introversion.  I spend hours reading, painting and watching old movies. I enjoy silence and a dimly lit room, it soothes me and feels like a giant hug.

For those of you who aren't introverts I ask you to read this article that explains introverts better than I ever could. My husband read it and finally understands me, finally understands why after a party or dinner with my family I need to come home and just be left alone for awhile.

If you are an introvert EMBRACE it, if you are an extrovert embrace that too! Embrace who you are.

Being Grateful

Its been nearly three months since her diagnosis and everyone that she wants to tell has been told and those who haven't been told don't know me so they wouldn't figure it out from my blog so now I can tell you all. It's my mom who is dying, she has ALS and its been rapid in its progression, the average life expectancy after diagnosis is 2-5 year but I will be surprised if she makes it even 1 year. This is by far the most gut wrenching, devastating thing I have ever gone through in my life, its hard to keep my head above water sometimes, its hard to not give in to the despair that threatens to overtake me on a daily basis. But I can't, I know I can't. My mom needs me and my daughter needs me. I cry when I need to which is usually once a week now versus every day but I try to stay grounded and take care of myself. One of the biggest things I do is to try to find things to be grateful for, some days I am deep and complex, thankful that my mom and I have this time together, thankful that my mom and daughter got to get so close....other days finding things to be grateful for is a huge chore because everything looks so dark, on those days I am grateful that I got through the day, I am grateful for anti depressants lol. But if you can find something to be grateful for , even in the darkest moments, then imagine the joy and gratefulness you will find in your brightest days.

I think about my moms impending death a lot, anticipatory grief is what they call it, some people don't go through it but its not surprising that I do, I'm a planner lol, its how my mind helps me handle what is to come. I'm not one that tends to dwell on the day a person died and get sad on that day every year but there is one time of the year I KNOW I will have a hard time with. That day is my birthday or a day or two before or after, every year during my birthday week my mom and I would take a whole day and go shopping and go out to lunch. This year it won't happen, it won't ever happen again. Even if my mom is still living she can't handle a day out anymore. So I've decided that during the week of my birthday I will engage in random acts of kindness. I will take the joy that would have been spent with my mom and spread it to other people to honor her and our relationship.

Please, no matter your circumstance, try to find something to be grateful for every day. Sometimes it will seem nearly impossible and what you settle on may seem silly....being grateful for indoor plumbing lol but you are forcing your brain to find the good despite that bad and that is never a bad thing.

Finding the good in the bad

I've had a lot of bad during my life time , a lot of heart ache, a lot of deaths, a lot of loss....people see that as a bad thing and to an extent they are right, it certainly isn't positive , its not fun but its not all bad and negative either. Because of what I have been through in my life I have become the person who I am today, I am strong, I know that I am strong, I don't wonder, I don't think I am, I don't suppose, I KNOW I am. I am extremely compassionate because of the things I've been through and I've turned the things I've been through into opportunities to help other people. Rather than hide the things in the my life that aren't so pretty I have made myself an open book , I am open to questions, I am open to discussion and sharing my experiences so that others who are going through something similar right now can look at me and see that it is possible to come out on the other side. Yes you come out with scars but wear them proudly because scars aren't something to be ashamed of, scars show that you have gone through something tough and you survived, you won. One thing that I have learned is that every "bad" situation I have been through in my life does have a positive, whether its life or death bad or just "this sucks" kind of bad. I think people are afraid to look for the positive especially in life or death bad situations because they think its strange to find something positive in something so terrible. Let me stress that just because you find something positive in a situation doesn't mean that its a positive situation or that you are happy the situation is happening.

Here are some examples of what I mean

My immediate family member has a terminal illness with absolutely no hope of survival. Probably the worst situation I've ever been in in my whole life, the most devastating for sure. But yes there IS a silver lining. Many people never get a chance to say the things they want to say before they lose the one they love. So many times its unexpected. But in this situation we have a chance to say everything we need to, we are able to make the time to spend together, this person is able to make messages for each person to have after he/she is gone. I am also stepping back and looking at my own life, reevaluating how I want to live it. The positives certainly don't outweigh the negatives and I wish there was something I could do to make this situation go away but I can't, so I will learn from it what I can and make the best I can with what I have left with this person.

Having to shop at the "big girl" store. Thanks to prednisone, chronic illness and crappy eating I've gained A LOT of weight, I'm a size 18 now so off to Lane Bryant I go.....but there is a good side to it, Lane Bryant carries sizes a lot bigger than mine so usually I'm the skinniest girl in the joint and feel like a freaking super model lol.

On eating nearly the whole thing of ice cream last night....ugh...I could have gotten down on myself about how I will never lose weight if I keep it up, how I have no will power and blah blah blah but I didn't.....I said well at least I didn't eat it all, almost all but not all of it, a couple weeks ago there wouldn't have been any left....and then I got on with my day.

Its not easy to look at the positives, not easy at all but the more we do look at the positives the more we are training ourselves to automatically look at the positives.