Being Grateful

Its been nearly three months since her diagnosis and everyone that she wants to tell has been told and those who haven't been told don't know me so they wouldn't figure it out from my blog so now I can tell you all. It's my mom who is dying, she has ALS and its been rapid in its progression, the average life expectancy after diagnosis is 2-5 year but I will be surprised if she makes it even 1 year. This is by far the most gut wrenching, devastating thing I have ever gone through in my life, its hard to keep my head above water sometimes, its hard to not give in to the despair that threatens to overtake me on a daily basis. But I can't, I know I can't. My mom needs me and my daughter needs me. I cry when I need to which is usually once a week now versus every day but I try to stay grounded and take care of myself. One of the biggest things I do is to try to find things to be grateful for, some days I am deep and complex, thankful that my mom and I have this time together, thankful that my mom and daughter got to get so close....other days finding things to be grateful for is a huge chore because everything looks so dark, on those days I am grateful that I got through the day, I am grateful for anti depressants lol. But if you can find something to be grateful for , even in the darkest moments, then imagine the joy and gratefulness you will find in your brightest days.

I think about my moms impending death a lot, anticipatory grief is what they call it, some people don't go through it but its not surprising that I do, I'm a planner lol, its how my mind helps me handle what is to come. I'm not one that tends to dwell on the day a person died and get sad on that day every year but there is one time of the year I KNOW I will have a hard time with. That day is my birthday or a day or two before or after, every year during my birthday week my mom and I would take a whole day and go shopping and go out to lunch. This year it won't happen, it won't ever happen again. Even if my mom is still living she can't handle a day out anymore. So I've decided that during the week of my birthday I will engage in random acts of kindness. I will take the joy that would have been spent with my mom and spread it to other people to honor her and our relationship.

Please, no matter your circumstance, try to find something to be grateful for every day. Sometimes it will seem nearly impossible and what you settle on may seem silly....being grateful for indoor plumbing lol but you are forcing your brain to find the good despite that bad and that is never a bad thing.