Stigma

Ugh, what the hell is up with the Stigma that surrounds mental health? I just don't understand it.  It keeps so many people from getting help, people are embarrassed and feel like they are faulty or to blame for their condition. I mean, when someone gets diabetes you don't hear people whispering behind their backs "you know, Jenny's not the same anymore, I don't know why the hell she can't just control her pancreas, what is her deal!", but because the disease originates in the brains somehow people think we somehow have control over it. Like one day we decided that sitting at home crying in the shower until we were shivering from the hot water running out a half hour ago sounded like a much better life than say, going hiking. We decided that being afraid every time got into a vehicle that we were going to die unless we prayed not to die was a much better use of our time than having a conversation with the people in the car.

Yup, that's it, that is how it went. I was tired of this fulfilling life and I went home and told my brain, that's it! You've let me down for the LAST time, now STOP making enough Serotonin, while your at it can you tone down the Dopamine and ...hmmm....maybe destroy a couple pathways while you are at it.

Truth be told, I've never had a fulfilling life, I've always been plagued by depression and anxiety. I can remember laying in bed as a child estimating how many years I would have left to spend with all of the important people in my life before they died. By age 21 I had already attempted suicide, I didn't want to die but I wanted the pain to stop and that was the only way I could think of to make it stop.

You know why there is a stigma? Because it scares people. Because if it isn't a choice, if this is a disease that "happens" to people, then it could happen to them or someone that they love.

When my neighbors found out what I was in the psych hospital they looked at each other and said "that's sad", sure, the events that led up to me being there was sad but that's not what they meant. They meant it was sad that I "cracked". These neighbors found out via my 11 year old who plays with their kid, I told my daughter, going to that hospital was anything but sad, going to that hospital was brave and it was responsible. If you are sick you go to the doctor to get better, if its your bones you go to a orthopedic doctor, if its your heart you go to a cardiologist, this is no different. I find it sad that they think taking care of ones self is sad.

If you have a mental illness. Its NOT your fault, it is NOT something to be embarrassed about it, it is a condition that you have, it is NOT who you are. You are NOT weak, you are NOT faulty,  you are a person with an illness, that's it. You need to hold your head high and take care of yourself. I remember not wanting to take my meds because I felt like being reliant on medication meant I was weak....I look back now and I think "what a freaking idiot". Lets use diabetes as an example again, if I need insulin for life because I am a diabetic does that mean I am weak? NO, it means my pancreas doesn't work and I am giving my body what it needs to perform correctly. No different with mental health, something isn't working right, whether it be pathways have broken down or chemical imbalances or whatnot , your meds simply give your body what it needs to regain balance. Take your meds, take them regularly and do NOT STOP TAKING THEM once you start feeling good. So many people start feeling good and then they think hey, I feel good, I don't need these meds and they stop taking them.....not only do some of them deal with some crappy withdrawal but also you crash pretty darn quick.

There is so much more to say but there will be other posts for that.

For now know this, you are loved, you are worth more than your darkness tells you that you are, you are strong, you have survived everything you have ever faced, emotions-ALL emotions are temporary, the hurt will stop and you will smile again. Don't stop trying, never stop trying to get help, investing in yourself is the most important thing you possibly can do. You are NOT alone.